Why Do Kids Act Out?
Does your child seem to act out or misbehave on purpose? Learn the four reasons why kids act out, and how to respond when they do.
This post is part of our Ask a Child Psychologist series, where we answer anonymized questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to big behaviors and acting out. Please take care when reading.
Sometimes, your child’s behavior can be downright baffling. It’s difficult to know what to do when kids act out. Should we reprimand them? “Ignore” them? Get them mental health support? In this article, we hope to provide a little bit of clarity around why children tend to have big behaviors, and how you can respond.
First, it’s important to remember that underneath every big behavior is a big feeling! As adults, it’s easy for us to forget how hard it is to be little, and learn so many new skills and experiences every day.
In this article, you’ll learn:
At times, children's behavior can be surprising! To understand and analyze a child’s challenging behavior, we need to first understand why it’s occurring. This will allow us to respond appropriately.
In general, a child’s behavior can serve four functions:
Attention from others.
Escape or avoidance from non-preferred activities.
Access to desired items or activities.
Automatic or sensory satisfaction, because the behavior itself feels good.
Depending on your child’s behavior, it might be clear which function it’s intended to achieve.
Young children are exploring the effects of their behavior and how they impact the behavior of others. They are developing a sense of autonomy in the choices they make; hence it may seem as if they are intentionally doing the opposite of what they are told because they in fact are learning to set limits and boundaries themselves.
This stage of development is very important because as caregivers we want to encourage our children to recognize the power of their voices and actions, and at the same time, we need to guide children and coach them through this exploration process.
We know how frustrating and stressful it can be for caregivers to reflect on and question their discipline strategies. In general, there’s a three-step process for helping teach your child appropriate behavior:
Don’t respond or “give in” to the challenging behavior. For example, if your child gets angry because they want something, do not give them what they want while the aggression and anger is occurring. For example, if they get angry or show aggression when you tell them to “Turn off the TV,” follow through with your instruction. This will teach them that angry outbursts are not an effective method to get their needs met.
Once they’ve calmed down, encourage them to ask for what they want or need. In the example above, you can prompt them to request “more TV time.”
Upon using appropriate communication, reinforce your child specifically for what they've done. Using the example above, reinforce their positive behavior by turning the TV back on and stating, “I like how you asked for that.”
It’s important to go back to basics and try to understand why the child is “misbehaving” in the first place.
We invite you to see your child’s behavior from the lens of a “behavior detective” instead of a “behavior judge”. This way, you can increase curiosity to find the answers you are looking for. To do this, look out for the ABCs: antecedent, behavior, consequence of the behavior.
Antecedent: Begin by tracking what happened right before the behavior occurs (such as giving an instruction, reading activity, or a transition).
Behavior: Then, note what the behavior looks like (for example, saying no, running, yelling, or hiding.
Consequence: Immediately after, try to write the consequence of the behavior. Note details about what happened after the behavior; this consequence could be how other nearby individuals responded.
Once you start noticing a pattern or an understanding of why the child is misbehaving, whether it is transitioning from a preferred activity to a non-preferred activity, being told no, sensory stimulation, feeling worried or nervous, etc. it can help guide your response to the behavior.
It’s also important to recognize that children tend to view the world differently than we do as adults. (For example, children may throw toys in the toilet because it seems like a swimming pool or small bath tub to them. As adults, we recognize this is not an appropriate place for toys to be; however, children may not see it that way.) Just because they aren’t doing what we want or expect them to do doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re acting out on purpose.
Keep in mind that some kids seek attention, whether it is positive or negative. In this case, verbal reprimands can be equally as reinforcing as praise.
If you notice that your child seeks reaction from others, and that commentary on the behavior causes it to worsen, it may be attention-driven.
Our first-line recommendation for families who have kiddos seeking attention is implementing special time into your family routine. Special time can be called many different things but is really a therapeutic dosage of parental attention. We encourage you to dedicate 10 minutes (per caregiver) each day to spend time with your child. It will be important that your little one chooses the activity they want to do, and that all distractions are limited (i.e., no cell phones, tablets, TVs, etc.). Let your child lead this play; your job is to be with them and connect with them on their level.
If you identify that an inappropriate behavior serves the purpose of gaining your attention, you may want to explore “planned” or “active ignoring.” When engaging in planned ignoring, withhold attention in all its forms when problem behavior occurs, including eye contact, verbal commentary, or interaction.
For instance, if your child screams to gain attention, do not comment on the screaming, make eye contact, or display frustration. As soon as they are calm, prompt appropriate attention seeking. Praise them for saying your name, tapping you gently, or asking to play.
When using planned ignoring, it is essential that everyone in the child’s environment be consistent, including adults, peers, and siblings, as much as possible!
If you are seeing meltdowns or outbursts during a particular transition, it may be for the purpose of continuing a prior activity, and/or avoiding the following activity. Children may also hide or otherwise not follow directions in an effort to avoid consequences or a verbal reprimand.
Here are a few recommendations for how to respond after a child acts out.
Be direct. Instructions should be clear. Avoid making a request in the form of a question. For example: say “Please put your shoes on,” instead of “Will you please put your shoes on?” The instruction must be direct without implying choice.
Use visuals to explain acceptable behavior and focus on what your child should be doing. Children benefit from clear rules and expectations. For example, if your child tends to put their toys in the wrong places, you might create a diagram of acceptable places for “toys to live.”
State your request in the positive. Do your best to tell your child what to do, rather than what not to do. For example, try saying, “Come sit next to me,” instead of “Stop running around.”
Give choices, where appropriate. For example, you might say, “You can play with your toys in the playroom, or you can play with them in the kiddie pool. What do you choose?”
Limit directions to one or two at a time. A child who struggles to focus can have a hard time remembering multiple directions given at the same time. For example, try saying “First put your shoes on,” instead of “Put your shoes on, grab your coat, brush your teeth and meet me at the door.”
Use praise! If your child is able to follow through with one simple instruction or direction, use labeled praise immediately, e.g. “Thank you for listening!”, “You put your shoes on so quickly. Way to go!”
Try to remain calm. Do your best to avoid raising your voice when setting limits with your child, no matter how frustrated you are. When you lose control, it can inadvertently communicate to the child that he is “in control” of the situation, not you.
Offer clear consequences - and opportunities to try again. Once you have clarified the expectations and appropriate behavior. If the behavior continues to happen, you can tie it to a logical consequence. We recognize and honor that discipline looks different in every family. It’s important to identify developmentally appropriate consequences. For example, if your child doesn’t put their toys away, they might lose play privileges. Remember to stay calm and use assertive language such as “You put your toys in the toilet, and toys don't belong in the toilet so you can’t play with them anymore today. I know you are a good listener and we can try again tomorrow.”
Hold the boundary. Little ones are really good at finding ways of getting their needs met, which means that if you give in one time, they will continuously try to push to see how far they can go (again, all with the intention of getting their needs met).
We know how exhausting it can be when your child’s behavior is challenging. If you need more specific guidance on your child's challenging behaviors, Little Otter is available for consultation.
We have mental health and parent specialists that focus on providing tools, interventions, and strategies to address concerns with behavior.