How Can I Respond to My Child’s Aggressive Tantrums?
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*This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with worries related to separation anxiety and tantrums. Please take care when reading.
One parent recently wrote in with concerns about their child’s aggressive tantrums. Here is their question, and an answer from our team of child mental health experts.
“I’m worried about my child’s aggressive tantrums. Sometimes my child even hurts us, the parents. How can we respond this aggressive behavior?”
- A., California
Thank you for contacting Little Otter! It can be stressful to encounter aggressive tantrums that endanger the physical safety of family members.
Tantrums can be the result of a child feeling overwhelmed, and being unable to express themselves appropriately. Furthermore, they may not possess the coping skills needed to regulate big emotions.
When tantrums do occur, it is essential to understand what your child is attempting to communicate.
Behaviors can serve four possible functions:
Attention from others.
Access to desired items or activities.
Escape from non-preferred situations.
Sensory stimulation.
For example, if you are seeing tantrums during a particular transition (telling your child to end screen time), it may be for the purpose of continuing a prior activity, and/or avoiding the following activity. Is your child transitioning away from a fun activity, or to a non-preferred activity?
Once we identify what our children are attempting to communicate, we can teach them appropriate ways of getting this need met.
Here are a couple of helpful tips:
When your child tantrums because they want something, do not give them what they want while the tantrum is occurring. For example, if they tantrum when you tell them to "turn off the TV," follow through with your instruction. This will teach them that tantrums are not an effective method to get their needs met.
Once they have calmed down, prompt them to appropriately request what they want or need (only if it makes sense to do so). In the example above, you could prompt them to request "more TV time." Proactively, you can remind them to use their words, ahead of difficult transitions.
Upon using appropriate communication, reinforce your child specifically for what they've done. Using the example above, reinforce by turning the TV back on (when appropriate) and stating, “I like how you asked for that politely.”
If transitions are difficult, it may also be helpful to utilize proactive strategies to reduce the occurrence of tantrums. Prime your child ahead of ending screen time, leaving the house, etc., in the form of a countdown (10 minutes and then x). A written or visual schedule may also be helpful. These tools can help your child know what to expect, and reduce anxiety around transitions.
If tantrums are occurring more than is age-appropriate, it is important to rule out any underlying conditions, like ADHD, anxiety, or learning differences.
In addition, we’re also available in select states for evaluation and treatment support.
Additional Resources
Little Otter is available in select states for evaluation and treatment support.