What To Do When Your Child Doesn’t Want to Go to School: 3 Expert Tips
Navigating the world of child and family mental health can be challenging. Little Otter is committed to making it easier for you. Explore our free blog articles for expert insights, and if you're seeking tailored support for our family, click here to get started.
It’s expected for your child not to want to go to school every now and again. (We all know what it feels like to wish for a “day off.”) However, if your child is regularly expressing that they “don’t want to go to school,” or even have meltdowns at the prospect of going to school, you’re probably having questions like, “Should I be worried? Why doesn’t my child like school? And how on earth can I get them to attend school peacefully?”
This article aims to provide guidance about what to do when your child doesn’t want to go to school, based on insights from our team of child mental health experts.
What is school refusal?
School refusal, also sometimes referred to as school avoidance, occurs when a child protests against going to school and attempts to avoid going or staying at school. School refusal is different from a “bad day,” because it typically lasts for a prolonged period of time and/or is highly distressing/disruptive.
School refusal can look like:
Big expressions of feelings, like tantrums, crying, or yelling.
Faking sickness or injury, which typically resolves if they get to stay home.
Clinging to you or begging not to go.
Resisting the “getting ready” routine.
Hiding from you, or shutting themselves in their room.
Getting so distressed that they can’t attend all or part of the school day.
Leaving class to go to the nurse’s office regularly.
Expresses distress, worries, or fears about going to school, and a desire not to.
If your child’s behavior as it relates to school is negatively impacting your child’s ability to learn, or your family’s ability to function, it’s time to seek additional help. That could look like: making you late for work, agitating or negatively influencing siblings’ perspective on school, adding extra stress, sparking conflicts between you and your partner, and beyond.
If your family is experiencing any of these challenges, know that you’re not alone and that support exists for you! A mental health expert will be able to evaluate your child’s behavior as it relates to school, provide insights about what might be causing it, and offer treatment, as applicable.
What causes school refusal?
Unfortunately, there is no universally true answer for why your child doesn’t want to go to school. However, here are a few common reasons why children may be avoiding school:
Trouble with other students or a teacher: If your child is having a conflict or difficulty communicating with a peer or instructor, they may avoid going to school.
Trouble with a topic or evaluation: Some children may avoid school when they’re having a hard time with a subject (like history) or topic (like oration), or because they’re worried about a poor test result or evaluation.
Anxiety or Depression: If your child is experiencing anxiety or depression, that may have an impact on their willingness to go to school. Sometimes, anxiety in young children shows up as stomach aches and pains. Here are more signs of anxiety in children of every age, and when separation anxiety peaks in kids.
Bullying: Children who are experiencing bullying may also be reluctant to go to school. Learn more about warning signs your child is being bullied.
Sensory challenges: Some children may find school, with its loud noises, bright lights, vibrant colors, and overall activity, overwhelming for their senses. Learn more about highly sensitive children.
Learning disabilities: Children who live with ADHD, dyslexia, or other learning disabilities may find school particularly challenging and try to avoid it. Here’s our tips for if your child lives with ADHD and struggles with school.
Desire for attention: Being home probably means more quality time with loved ones. Some children might try to stay home for a little extra attention and affection.
Desire to do something more entertaining, exciting, or rewarding than school: Lots of children find playing video games, watching TV, hanging out with friends and siblings, and spending time with mom and dad preferable to being in the classroom. Sometimes, school avoidance is as simple as wanting to have fun.
Keep in mind that this list is only a starting point; there may be other reasons why your child is avoiding school.
If you’re worried, an evaluation with a child mental health expert can provide more clarity. They’ll look for signs of mental health concerns, like anxiety, depression, or learning disabilities, to help you determine a path forward.
How to respond to school avoidance
Here are three expert tips for how to respond to school avoidance.
Step 1: Try to Understand Why Your Child Doesn’t Want to Go to School
As with most parenting challenges, it helps to approach your child with empathy, and attempt to understand their viewpoint.
Depending on your child’s age, they may be able to express their reluctance to go to school verbally. In other cases, you might have to play the detective. When your child is calm, you might try asking questions like:
What’s the best part of the school day?
If you could change one aspect of your school, what would it be?
What are your friends at school like?
When you’re worried about school, what does your body feel like? What emotions are you experiencing?
Think about changes at home that could be impacting their approach to school, like a move, recent loss, parental separation, or any other big changes.
Take what they say seriously and do your best to understand.
Step 2: Collaborate with your child’s school.
In many cases, your child’s school and teacher(s) can be a valuable resource both for understanding why your child doesn’t want to go to school, and for supporting them in attending.
While you’re trying to identify the reasons, it can be helpful to speak with teachers and school leaders. They may have noticed specific challenges, be aware of bullying, or even have heard from your child directly. You may want to ask if they’ve noticed any anxious behaviors, frequent stomach aches, lots of nurse visits, etc. Some schools will even allow you to observe your child in the classroom.
Once you know the reasons why your child is avoiding school, it’s helpful to share that with the school, too. Often, they can help watch for bullying, provide resources for learning disabilities, and connect your family with more support.
Step 3: Problem-solve with your child.
It’s important to show your child that you support them by problem-solving with them. Simply letting them know you’re going to figure it out together can make a world of difference.
Your plan for addressing school avoidance will depend on why your child doesn’t want to go to school. For example, if they’re having a lot of fun at home, you might try limiting screen time during school hours. On the other hand, children living with anxiety that results in school avoidance might benefit from therapy and exercises.
Working through these problems together, and empowering your child to go back to school with more calm, can help them build confidence and practice resilience.
As you follow through on your plan, do your best to express your understanding and be encouraging, without being stressed, upset, or frustrated with them.
Tips for dealing with school anxiety
If you believe that your child is experiencing school anxiety, it’s important to speak with a mental health professional for an evaluation. Treatments like cognitive-behavioral therapy are often very helpful for childhood anxiety. A mental health professional will be able to help develop specific skills and practices.
In the meantime, here are a two things that may help:
Read stories together about characters that try new experiences and learn to manage worrying feelings.
Practice deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. These can help children relax their brains and bodies.
If you’re looking for more support in helping your child with school avoidance, know that Little Otter is here to help!
Register to join and book your first call.