What to do When Your Co-Parent Has Narcissistic Tendencies

Co-parenting is hard – it requires good communication, intentional work, and shared understanding. It can be even more difficult after a separation or divorce. Whether it's parenting consistency from one household to another or communication issues between parents, co-parenting requires so much of each parent. 

When you add in the layer of a parent with narcissistic tendencies, it can be a recipe for an extremely challenging dynamic, with so much out of your control. 

‍In this article, we’ll talk about the challenges of co-parenting after a separation when one parent has destructive narcissistic traits and give you tips on how to navigate your relationship with your co–parent and support your children.

Recognizing Narcissistic Behavior

From a mental health perspective, narcissism is a personality style where a person has an excessive preoccupation with themselves and their own needs at the expense of others. 

Narcissism exists on a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a mental health disorder characterized by: 

• Grandiosity which is expressed as a feeling of entitlement and self-centeredness.
• Attention-seeking behaviors which are expressed as excessive attempts to be the focus of attention and admiration.
• Lack of empathy with difficulty identifying with the feelings and needs of other people. 

However, a person can have narcissistic personality traits that are very destructive even if they do not meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD:

• They may have an inflated sense of self and their self-importance, believing they are “special” and entitled to special treatment.
• They may disregard boundaries, especially when they want something. They might take advantage of others to meet their own needs and wishes. 
• They may have a lack of empathy and be unwilling to recognize the feelings and needs of other people, including their children. They may use emotional abuse and manipulation as a form of control or means to get their way. 
• They may use conditional love to get their way. 
• They may lack accountability and fail to take responsibility when they’re in the wrong. 
• They may need excessive admiration from others and be highly sensitive to actual or perceived criticisms or slights. 

Despite the outward bravado of self-assurance and confidence, people with narcissistic personality traits are usually insecure and fragile. They have difficulties with emotion regulation, experience ups and downs in their self-esteem, and have challenges establishing and maintaining relationships. People with narcissistic personality traits are at greater risk for other mental health disorders including depression and anxiety, as well as substance abuse disorders.

Challenges of Co-Parenting with Someone with Narcissism

Co-parenting as separated parents comes with its own set of unique challenges, but when there are narcissistic behaviors at play, the difficulty can compound. You’re not just up against scheduling issues and developing mutually agreed upon parenting plans; you’re also trying to manage a whole host of behaviors that are counterproductive to collaborative parenting and harmful to your children’s mental health and well-being.

The Deeper Meaning of High-conflict Situations

People with narcissistic personality traits may thrive in high-conflict situations. They seek attention, are focused on their own needs and wants, don’t respect boundaries, and lack empathy. This is a potent brew that fuels conflict. Through conflict and aggression, they try to gain control making them feel powerful and special. Children often become pawns in this dynamic. The narcissistic parent is not making decisions based on the best interests of their child, but rather their own needs and wants. They will also act to tear down their co-parent, to make them feel powerless and inadequate.

The Impact on Children

Parental separation is inherently stressful for children. When you layer in a parent with narcissistic personality traits, the stress can be even greater. The impact of a parent with narcissistic traits or NPD on a child’s mental health can be profound, particularly in the context of a high-conflict divorce and high-conflict co-parenting. Narcissistic parents struggle to empathize with their child’s emotional needs, often leading to emotional neglect and emotional invalidation. They may offer love and approval only when the child does what the parent wants. This can impact a child’s self-esteem. The emotional manipulation of a narcissistic parent makes children feel like it is their job to meet the parent’s needs, not to have their own needs met. Children may struggle to develop healthy relationships if their primary experience is emotional manipulation or neglect. In the context of divorce, children might feel pressured to take sides or mediate between parents.

Tips for Co-Parenting with Narcissistic Tendencies at Play

Set Boundaries and Minimize Co-Parenting Conflict

High-conflict co-parenting is linked to adverse outcomes for children, including anxiety and depression. Children exposed to high-conflict co-parenting are at risk for emotional and behavioral problems. To navigate conflict effectively:

• Establish clear, firm boundaries around communication and decision-making. For example, for separated co-parents, limit interactions to written communication like email or co-parenting apps to reduce emotional manipulation. Keep interactions structured and focused on the child’s needs.
• Shield your child from conflict by avoiding negative talk about the other parent in front of them.

Avoid Engaging in Power Struggles

Narcissistic individuals thrive on control and dominance. Engaging in power struggles can escalate conflict and harm your child’s well-being. Here’s how to avoid engaging in power struggles: 

• Practice detachment by not reacting emotionally to provocations when experiencing conflict. For example, if the co-parent criticizes your parenting, respond calmly or not at all.
• Focus on what you can control like your own behavior and your child’s environment rather than trying to change the co-parent.
• In high-conflict co-parenting situations, parallel parenting (where each parent operates independently) is often recommended over co-parenting. This approach minimizes direct interaction and reduces opportunities for conflict. Create separate routines and rules for your child in each household. Avoid trying to enforce consistency across homes, as this can lead to power struggles. Use a neutral third party like a mediator or parenting coordinator to facilitate communication and decision-making when necessary.

Prioritize and Protect Your Child’s Emotional Well-being

Research shows the importance of helping children build resilience when a parent has a challenging personality. Children learn coping mechanisms and relationship patterns from their parents. Modeling healthy behavior can help mitigate the negative effects of exposure to a narcissistic co-parent.

• Be a Safe Haven: Children thrive when they have at least one parent who is warm, responsive, and consistent. This aligns with attachment theory. Focus on being emotionally available, validating your child’s experiences, and creating stability.
• Encourage Critical Thinking: Without directly criticizing the narcissistic co-parent, help your child develop critical thinking and emotional intelligence. For example, you might frame situations neutrally: "How do you feel about what happened?" instead of "That was wrong of your dad/mom."
• Model Empathy: Narcissistic traits often limit empathy in the co-parent. By modeling empathic behavior, you provide your child with a counterbalance.
• Teach Emotional Regulation: Children may mirror the narcissistic parent’s behaviors or struggle with self-regulation. Teaching children to recognize and express emotions will help them to build emotional resilience. We developed an Emotions Deck to help kids develop their emotional vocabulary as they learn to explore their inner and outer worlds.
• Encourage Support Systems: Trusted adults like grandparents, teachers, and peer can give your child additional emotional anchors.
• Teach your child healthy boundaries and assertiveness skills to help them navigate their relationship with the other parent.
• Consider Therapy: A child therapist can help children navigate confusion, guilt, or feelings of loyalty conflict. Little Otter’s whole family approach to mental health care means our therapists, psychiatrists, and parent coaches have extensive experience navigating co-parenting challenges. Our evidence-based model ensures that children 0-18 and parents receive high-quality mental health care.

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Support for the Non-Narcissistic Parent

Parenting alongside someone with narcissistic tendencies can be emotionally draining and take a significant toll on your mental health. You’ll be more effective as a parent if you care for your mental health.

• Work with a therapist who specializes in high-conflict co-parenting or personality disorders. They can help you develop coping strategies and maintain emotional resilience. Little Otter has therapists who have extensive experience working with these types of family dynamics. 
• Consider joining a support group for parents dealing with similar challenges. Sharing experiences with others can provide validation and practical advice.
• Engage in regular self-care practices, such as exercise, mindfulness, or hobbies that bring you joy.

Legal and Custody Considerations

In cases involving a narcissistic co-parent, legal interventions may be necessary to protect your child’s best interests. Courts often prioritize stability and the child’s emotional well-being.

• Consult with a family law attorney who has experience with high-conflict custody cases. They can help you navigate legal challenges and advocate for your child’s needs.
• Request court-ordered parenting coordination or therapy if the co-parent’s behavior is negatively impacting your child.

• Keep detailed records of all communication, including emails, text messages, and phone calls.
• Document any concerning behaviors, such as missed visitations, inappropriate comments, or attempts to alienate the child.

Not Sure If You Should Seek Professional Help?

Whether you’re new to this coparenting dynamic or it’s been going on for a while, there are certain signs that indicate you and your family should seek mental health support.

The first thing to consider is whether you notice changes in your child’s emotions or behaviors. If these changes last longer than a week, consider that your child might be experiencing mental health challenges. Below are some examples of specific symptoms to look out for at different ages.

You should seek therapy services for your toddlers, preschoolers, and school-age children if they are dealing with: 

• Separation anxiety: Watch for excessive clinginess or distress when separating from you, especially if it's a new behavior.
• Challenging behaviors: Children who are struggling may express their distress as challenging behaviors including aggression, tantrums, and oppositionality. Children often do not have words to express what they are feeling. Children’s behaviors are a window into what your child is feeling and may reflect struggle. 
• Feelings of sadness or loss of interest: Look for persistent sadness, irritability, or a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities.

You should seek therapy services for your adolescents if they are dealing with: 

• Anxiety: Look for increased worries, fears, and overall anxious behaviors.
• Negative self-talk: Listen for repeated negative statements about themselves.
• Physical complaints: Pay attention to new or frequent complaints of stomachaches, headaches, or other physical discomforts.
• Mood changes: Look for persistent sadness, irritability, or a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities.
• Sleep disturbances: Notice any significant changes in sleep patterns, such as difficulty falling asleep, frequent night waking, or early morning awakening.

As a parent navigating the territory of co-parenting and prioritizing your kids' mental health, it can feel like your own mental well-being is less of a priority. However, it’s important to take time to process what you’re living through as well. Here are some signs you should seek support for yourself: 

• Emotional turmoil: You’re feeling overwhelmed, drained, and isolated. 
• Increased anxiety: You’re constantly feeling on edge or experiencing panic or anxiety attacks.
• Shifts in your self-esteem: You’re experiencing low self-esteem due to the ongoing turmoil. 
• Disconnection from reality: You’re finding it difficult to cope and questioning your own perceptions or sense of reality. 
• Impacts on your physical health: Just like in adolescents, stomachaches, headaches, muscle tension, loss of appetite, or nausea can signal that the situation is taking a toll on your well-being.

Little Otter’s whole family approach to mental health care means our therapists, psychiatrists, and parent coaches have extensive experience navigating co-parenting challenges. Our evidence-based model ensures that children 0-18 and parents receive high-quality mental health care.

Little Otter services are currently available in California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Texas, Utah, Virginia, and Washington, D.C.

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