11 Tips to Help Kids Deal with Grief in Childhood
In today’s media and pop culture, stories of death, dying, hurt, and horror are everywhere. We hear stories of families who lost loved ones during the COVID-19 pandemic, see images of children killed in conflict in Ukraine, learn of racially motivated violence, watch mayhem in superhero movies and video games, and listen to podcasts devoted to murder. No matter your age, chances are, you can’t escape depictions and discussions of death.
Yet the aftermath - grief and the very personal journey of grieving the loss of those we love - is not center stage. As a country, we’ve focused on statistics and controversy, rather than considering the last few years through the prism of collective loss and grief.
Today, we’ll explore what grief is, how to recognize the needs of grieving children, and 11 tips for supporting kids as they navigate grief in childhood.
It’s important to be able to understand, recognize, and support loved ones - including ourselves - in dealing with grief. Let’s start with the basics: understanding what grief is.
What is grief?
Grief is a person’s powerful emotional and physical reaction to the loss of someone or something we love. Grieving is characterized by profound feelings of sadness and sorrow, as well as deep yearning and longing to be with the person who died or to return to a time before the loss.
The grieving process does not fit into our soundbite culture, because it is neither transient or temporary. Grieving takes time and changes us.
Understanding the pandemic’s impact on grief in childhood today
Grief has impacted many children during this pandemic. Every child has experienced some type of loss due to COVID, whether a beloved person or even activity.
Many children have faced the ultimate loss: the death of a parent or primary caregiver:
A recent study in the journal Pediatrics showed that between April 2020 and July 2021, more than 140,000 children in the US lost a parent or primary caregiver to COVID.
One in four COVID deaths in the US left a child orphaned. The majority of these children - 65% - are from racial or ethnic minority groups.
This is a global concern: 1.5 million children worldwide have lost a parent or primary caregiver to COVID.
Unfortunately, the COVID-19 pandemic is just one factor; war, conflict, and other health concerns exist and can also contribute to grief in childhood.
Recognizing the needs of grieving children
It’s important for adults - family members, teachers, pediatricians, and community leaders – to recognize the needs of grieving children.
After all, loss of a parent or primary caregiver is linked to mental health problems, including: shorter schooling; lower self-esteem; sexual risk behaviors; and increased risk of substance abuse, suicide, violence, sexual abuse, and exploitation.
Dr. Julie Kaplow, the executive director of The Trauma and Grief Center at the Hackett Center for Mental Health in Houston and an expert in grieving children, recently wrote that we are facing a silent epidemic of grief in children. She refers to this as “psychological long COVID.”
While most children will be able to be resilient, other children - particularly those who have had prior trauma and losses - will develop emotional or behavioral challenges related to their grief.
Next, we’ll cover how to support kids in dealing with grief in childhood.
Signs of grief in childhood
Grief looks different on everyone. That said, children do understand and process grief differently than adults. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that preschoolers often think of death as temporary or reversible; this is reinforced by cartoons and stories where characters die and come back to life. Children aged 5-9 begin to perceive death more like adults, but they likely believe it won’t happen to them or their loved ones.
The AACAP also notes that it’s common for kids to express grief and believe the person will return for weeks following the loss; once they begin to accept the death, they may show signs of sadness for a longer period of time. does note a few common signs of grief in childhood.
When a child is grieving, they are likely to express sadness and even anger, which can show up as boisterous play, irritability, and anger towards other family members. Many children also start acting younger than they are. It’s not uncommon for children, especially younger children, to blame themselves for the death.
11 ways to support kids in dealing with grief in childhood
Adults can help children grieve by giving them the support and love they need to feel secure and safe.
However, we understand that one of the biggest challenges you may face is a lack of access to bereavement support and counseling. It is rarely covered by insurance.
With that in mind, here are 11 practical ways to support a child who is grieving even without insurance coverage:
The best support is love and compassion for the child’s experience.
If possible, have a funeral or memorial service and give the child the opportunity to attend and say good-bye. Because of pandemic restrictions, many children did not have the chance to say good-bye to their parents or attend a funeral.
Recognize that there is not one pathway for grieving. Grief ebbs and flows. Let your child grieve in their own way. The child will have many emotions including sadness, fear, and anger. They will likely also laugh and play. This is not only ok but should be supported.
Talk about and remember the person who died. This remembering is critical for healing. Find keepsakes that will remind the child of the loved one.
Be honest. You should be age-appropriate and direct. Children know when adults are not being truthful. Children deserve to know what has happened from people who love them.
Listen. Let the child take the lead. Let them ask you questions. Be attuned to the actual question the child is asking. Children, particularly younger children, often have distorted views about what happened. They may think they were responsible in some way for the death. They may think that their feelings may have caused their loved one to die. Be alert to this “magical thinking” and give your child reassurance.
Spend time with your child. Play imaginary games, draw, paint, or take nature walks together. Through this time together you will learn how your child is feeling and can find ways to support them.
Reassure your child. Children often fear that they will also die or that another loved one will die. Of course, we do not have control of these risks, but we can provide reassurance that you are there for them and that they and you are ok.
Be kind and patient with your child.
Be kind and patient with yourself. If you are caring for a grieving child, you are likely also grieving a terrible loss. Get support for your own grieving journey and try not to impose your grief on your child. Take care of yourself and seek help and support. Your love and presence is so critical for your child to be able to navigate through grief. They need you!
Seek support groups for children who have lost a parent. Seek support groups for yourself!
When to worry about grief in childhood
It is also critical to recognize the warning signs that suggest that a child could benefit from a mental health evaluation and treatment.
A child having serious challenges with grief and loss may show one or more of the following warning signs:
An extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events.
Persistent changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
Persistent sadness.
Anxiety, particularly separation anxiety, or a prolonged fear of being alone.
Acting much younger for an extended period.
Excessively imitating the dead person.
Believing they are talking to or seeing the deceased family member for an extended period of time.
Repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person.
Withdrawal from friends.
Sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school.
The loss of the parent may also be experienced as a trauma that leads to post-traumatic stress symptoms including nightmares, hypervigilance, or being triggered by reminders of the loved one who died.
If you notice any of these changes in your child after a loss, please seek a mental health evaluation and treatment.
If your family is dealing with grief, and you’re located in CA, CO, NC, FL, or TX, Little Otter is available to provide support. Register for Little Otter today.
