Tips for How to Talk to Kids about a Shooting
In the aftermath of yet more shootings and mass violence events, especially in places intended and expected to be safe, many families are struggling. We created this guide to help families support their children in processing yet another tragedy, and provide tips for how to talk to kids about shootings.
Children may be unaware of what is going on, express fear and anxiety about themselves or loved ones going to school or other social gatherings, or have a lot of questions that you as a parent or caregiver may have difficulty answering.
Here are 5 concrete strategies and tips from clinical experts at Little Otter for how to talk to your child about a shooting or gun violence.
Here at Little Otter, we follow research-based information from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN). Where appropriate, we’ve linked specific resources from NCTSN.
We also created a downloadable overview of our recommendations, which you can access immediately here in English and Spanish.
1. Make space for the conversation.
As tempting as it may be to avoid these conversations, it’s important to talk with your child about these difficult topics during tough times. NCTSN advises making it clear to them that you’re available to talk to them when they have questions, worries, or big feelings. In fact, scary events can become even more scary for your child if you don’t create a safe space for them to discuss and process what is going on.
This communication helps children learn that you’re a safe adult to whom they can turn when they have big questions - even when you don’t have all the answers.
If you don’t have a clear answer, it’s okay to say that.
Find quiet time when you’re together, such as at dinner, to make space for this important conversation. Leave room for your whole family to talk, and to listen. NCTSN notes that sometimes children may have ideas and beliefs that are difficult to know unless you ask them. You can start by asking, “what do you know about the [recent event']”? Then, respectfully listen as they share their understanding and perspective on the situation.
They also recommend that families avoid having conversations during time that’s for relaxation, like bedtime.
If your child doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to talk, don’t force them to have a conversation. Simply make it clear that you’re there for them when they’re ready.
2. Ensure that your child feels safe.
As a parent, you’re the source of safety and strength for your child.
Do your best to communicate to them that they are safe and loved, and let your child know that you are a strong and loving adult in their life.
Allow your child to share their concerns about their own safety, and let them know that there are safety measures in place. If applicable, may even want to discuss changes that are made in their community to provide additional security. NCTSN also recommends that you encourage your child to “look for the helpers” in your community that keep children safe such as emergency responders.
In addition, it can be helpful to let your child know that many adults, including government authorities, work to identify and stop dangerous events before they happen. Whether the situation is a school shooting or a different mass violence or gun violence event, it’s always important to let your child know that people are actively working to ensure safety.
In a recent publication about how to cope with 4th of July celebrations after the shooting, the NCTSN also provided guidance about ensuring your child knows they’re safe even when their body is reacting strongly to environmental triggers, like fireworks. They recommend helping your child acknowledge that these responses are understandable, notice their body’s response and their feelings, understand why the body is responding, providing tips for how to manage these physical reactions, and helping them calm down. View this detailed resource immediately here.
3. Acknowledge that your response is valid, too.
It is OK for your child to see you express sadness and grief over the recent tragedy. This helps normalize feelings and communicate to your child that emotions are appropriate in response to hard things. Sharing how you’re coping with and navigating these emotions is helpful, too. Coping with these big feelings also models how to manage emotions for your children.
NCTSN recommends creating a little more space for talking about everyone’s feelings in the aftermath of a mass violence event. They also advise that parents and caregivers accept responsibility for your own emotions by saying things like “I want to apologize for being irritable with you yesterday. I was having a bad day.”
4. Meet your child where they are.
The conversations you have with your child or children will naturally be different based on their age and experiences, and the situation at hand.
Younger children may not know what has happened and will not be exposed to the news events. NCTSN recommends not overwhelming young children with too much information; they may want to talk or need you to repeat things.
Older children and adolescents may be hearing from peers or social media sources. You can be a source of perspective and strength in having more complex conversations about the situation and your family’s response to it.
It’s important to meet your child where they are by responding to questions using age-appropriate, gentle, direct, and clear language.
You know your child best.
5. Practice self-care as a family.
In order to to be a source of strength for your child, it is important to take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, eat regular meals, and take time to rest. Encourage your child to do the same.
It’s okay to take a break from thinking about or discussing a shooting or mass violence, individually or as a family. It’s also okay to take a break from participating in memorial events.
Practicing self-care as a family will help you all to cope in the face of hard times and uncertainty.
6. Discuss the need for limited media consumption, and help reduce media exposure.
While it’s important to stay informed, too much media consumption to exacerbate feelings of worry, stress, and anxiety.
NCTSN recommends limiting media exposure for kids of all ages, and to avoid media about the event that is repetitive, confusing, or frightening.
Keep in mind that younger kids may not understand that repeated video or images are a replay, and may think the event is continuing to happen or is happening again.
Younger children should have less exposure than older ones; in some guidance, NCTSN recommends eliminating a young child’s media consumption about recent traumatic incidents completely. Research indicates that the more time a child spends consuming media about an event, the more likely they are to have a negative reaction. Graphic images and stories of chaos, injury, and death tend to be especially upsetting.
This recommendation doesn’t just refer to the news media. The volume, pace, and tone of social media can present challenges, too. It can be helpful to talk with older children about recognizing when social media consumption is triggering or overwhelming, and taking intentional breaks.
Shootings can impact your child and family’s mental health. Little Otter is here to support your family.
In the aftermath of a shooting or mass violence event, it’s common for children and families to respond with changes in mood or behavior. A child’s reaction to a recent traumatic event may be different depending on their age.
Pay attention to these changes and seek professional mental health support if they persist following a tragedy.
As a reminder, we created a free download for parents and families with these recommendations in English and in Spanish.
Additional Resources for How to Talk with Children about a Shooting
Here are the resources we linked above from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network:
Parent Guidelines for Helping Youth After the Recent Shooting: This download describes common reactions children may have, how parents can help them, and self-care tips after an event.
Helping Youth to Cope with 4th of July Celebrations After a Shooting: This resource provides strategies for how to support youth who may be reminded of their trauma experiences while attending 4th of July festivities, including things to say.
Talking to Children about the Shooting: This tip sheet describes ways to talk to children about mass violence events that involve a shooting, including how to start the conversation, common reactions children may have, and how to seek help if needed.
Restoring a Sense of Safety in the Aftermath of a Shooting: Tips for Parents and Professionals: This resource shares ways to communicate effectively with your children about safety, and answers common questions that occur after a mass violence event.
Tips for Parents on Media Coverage of a Shooting: This tip sheet helps parents and caregivers help their children by controlling media exposure after events, and talks about what it is like when a family is a part of the story.
Psychological Impact of a Shooting: This fact sheet outlines common psychological impacts of a shooting or mass violence event.
Age-Related Reactions to a Traumatic Event: This resource describes how young children, school-age children, and adolescents may react to traumatic events, and offers tips for how parents and caregivers can help and support them.
Here are a few resources from Little Otter:
A Parent’s Guide to Supporting Children after a School Shooting [Blog]
Tips for Supporting Your Child after a School Shooting: This free download is available in English and Spanish.
And here are a few additional resources:
Resources to Help Families, Community Members Cope After a Mass Shooting [NBC Chicago]: This is an extensive list of resources to help children, families, educators and community members cope after recent shootings, shared by the federal government’s Interagency Working Group on Youth Programs.
Pause-Reset-Nourish to Promote Wellbeing [NCTSN]: This resource explains how to use PRN to help address unwanted symptoms of stress, promote and replenish wellbeing, and enhance resilience.
Responding to Stressful Events: Helping Children Cope [Government of Canada]: This article by the Public Health Agency of Canada provides helpful, practical tips for how parents can respond to stressful events and help kids cope.
