A Complete Guide to Temper Tantrums
Temper tantrums are one of the most common worries for families with young children. Learn when to worry, how to respond, and where to get support for your family.
Most families with young children will experience temper tantrums. But that doesn’t mean they’re easy to deal with! These emotional storms can cause stress and tension, not to mention lots of worry.
In this guide to temper tantrums, you’ll learn what a tantrum is really about, how to respond, when to worry, and where to turn for additional support. Let’s jump in:
Sections in this Guide
“Frequent, aggressive tantrums in preschoolers may be a sign that your child is experiencing an emotional or behavior challenge.”
– Helen Egger, MD
Co-Founder and Chief Medical and Scientific Officer at Little Otter
What is a Temper Tantrum?
Temper tantrums are sudden expressions of big feelings, like anger, sadness, worry, frustration, or fear.
These outbursts are one way young children tell us how they are feeling inside.
Temper tantrums typically peak when a child is 2-3 years old. At this age, your child is learning new skills every day. This isn’t easy! Sometimes, these big feelings bubble up into a tantrum.
They’re a sign that your child is moving into a new stage of development, one where they’re learning how to process big emotions and develop new behaviors.
Sometimes, you might be able to identify the tantrum trigger, while other times, they just come out of the blue!
In Dr. Egger’s studies of preschool tantrums, 75% of 2-year-olds and 60% of 3-year-olds had at least one temper tantrum in the last month. The mean number of tantrums for 2-year-olds was 4 times a week and for 3-year-olds 5 times a week. Older preschoolers (ages 4 and 5) had a mean of 2 tantrums a week.
Just because these sudden emotional outbursts are expected, it doesn’t mean they’re any easier to deal with. Temper tantrums are overwhelming for your child - and we understand they may sometimes be overwhelming for you as a parent or caregiver, too.
The good news is that temper tantrums typically become much less frequent as your child grows, develops skills to manage emotions and behaviors, and learns how to communicate.
Worried about temper tantrums? Take a free, 3-question assessment here.
What Does a Temper Tantrum Mean?
Temper tantrums are about feelings.
Tantrums happen when big feelings - like anger, frustration, fears, worry, or sadness - bubble over and get out of control.
As a toddler, your child hasn’t yet developed the ability to verbally communicate or the impulse control to manage these feelings and behaviors. Tantrums typically lessen with age as these skills are strengthened.
Free Temper Tantrum Assessment
Worried about your child’s tantrums? Take this free 3-question assessment, designed for children age 2-6, to learn whether your child’s tantrums are typical and when to worry.
How to Respond to Temper Tantrums?
Temper tantrums can be overwhelming for you and your little ones! Here are a few ways to respond during a temper tantrum.
Don’t try to “talk it out.”
Just like with adults, it’s easier to talk about feelings when your child is calm and their feelings are manageable. We sometimes think of tantrums as emotional storms. When your child is having a tantrum, it might be tempting to try to reason with or ask them to “use their words.” But during this emotional storm, they simply can’t!
Tune into their emotions.
Tuning into child’s emotions can help you anticipate tantrums. By paying attention to your child’s feelings during the day, you’ll have a sense of when their feelings are becoming “big” and a tantrum might be coming. This insight can give you the opportunity to intervene and redirect - before things escalate.
Identify common stressors.
Kids who are tired, hungry, overstimulated, or facing a new situation are more likely to have tantrums. While it may not be possible to prevent every tantrum, understanding your child’s triggers and creating a plan ahead of time - like having snacks - will help you navigate them.
Keep your cool.
Try to stay calm. Take some deep breaths. You may even need to leave the room for a minute. Saying things like “I’m becoming stressed and I need to take a moment to myself” can even show your child what self-control looks like. If you stay calm, you will be able to help your child become calm. You’ve got this!
Validate their feelings.
During a tantrum, try to acknowledge their feelings. This isn’t about telling them they’re “right”; instead, it’s about letting them know you love and understand them. For example, you might say something like, “I can see that you’re upset,” or “I know you don’t want to do this right now.”
Give your child a choice.
It’s hard to hear “no” all day long! You may want to try to give your child a sense of agency and control when possible. Offer clear, age-appropriate choices such as “Do you want to wear your blue socks or your red socks?” or “Do you want grapes or a banana?”
Prioritize safety.
Sometimes, little ones can become aggressive during tantrums. If your child hits, bites, or kicks during a tantrum, the first thing is to keep your child safe. You may need to hold your child until they can calm down. Remember: limits are loving.
In some cases, don’t intervene.
One common question is, “should I ignore a temper tantrum?” While there’s a big difference between ignoring and not intervening, in some instances, it makes sense to not directly interact with your child during a tantrum (while making sure they’re safe). Just make sure to reinforce positive behavior, too!
Remember, tantrums are challenging! You’re not a bad mom, dad, grandparent or caregiver if tantrums sometimes get the best of you, too. The most important thing for your child’s mental health and development is simply your love, support, and care.
10 Questions to Become a Tantrum Detective
We need to be “tantrum detectives” to understand why your child is having tantrums. Here are ten questions about your child’s tantrums that will help us understand them:
How often do the tantrums occur?
What happens during the tantrum?
When do they happen?
Where do they happen?
Who do they happen with?
What are the triggers?
How long do they last?
What is happening in your child’s life and your family’s life?
How do you and other adults respond to your child's tantrums?
How are you doing?
To help you and your child, we need to learn together.
A Note from Dr. Helen
Frequent, aggressive tantrums in preschoolers may be a sign that your child is experiencing an emotional or behavior challenge. I call these types of tantrums a “mental health fever.”
They are a sign that we need to look more closely at the child’s emotions, behaviors, and functioning, as well as the child’s experiences and context, to see if we can help.
What is important to remember is that tantrums are about feelings that get expressed as dysregulated emotions and behaviors. Children with a clinical anxiety disorder, depression, or PTSD are as likely to have frequent, aggressive tantrums as those children with behavioral challenges. My passion is to get children mental health care and support as early as possible. That is why I developed our Temper Tantrum Screen, to help us identify children who might need help and support.
When to Worry about Temper Tantrums?
As challenging as they may be, temper tantrums are common and to be expected as toddlers develop.
Tantrums are likely to be considered “developmentally typical” by health professionals if they’re brief, don’t occur every day, aren’t unsafe, are clearly triggered by frustrating events, and tend to be worse when the child is tired or hungry.
So how do you tell the difference between an intense but “typical” tantrum and when something more serious could be going on? There’s no “easy” answer to that question, and every child and family is unique. But there are a few clues.
If your child’s temper tantrums are aggressive, frequent, or don’t lessen over time, they can signal an underlying mental health concern.
Dr. Egger calls these types of tantrums a “mental health fever.” Like a temperature fever your child gets when they’re physically ill, a “mental health fevers” tell us that your child may be experiencing an emotional or behavioral challenge.
Here are a few signs that it might be time to seek outside help from a child mental health professional:
Tantrums are prolonged (lasting more than 20 minutes).
Tantrums happen nearly every day.
The tantrums start or become aggressive — when a child hits, kicks, bites others or themselves and/or breaks things during the tantrum.
Tantrums continue frequently past the peak age (2-3 years old).
Temper tantrums happen in a variety of settings both in and out of the home.
These temper tantrums occur with parents or caregivers AND other adults.
Even if your child’s tantrums don’t fall into the “atypical” category based on the bullets above, they may still negatively impact your child or family’s functioning. If that’s the case, it may be time to explore outside help from a mental health professional.
As a parent or caregiver, you know your family best. So as you consider your child’s tantrums, think about the effect they have on your family.
Take this temper tantrum assessment (designed for children 2-6) to learn whether your child’s tantrums are typical:
Early Intervention Matters.
In early childhood - from birth to around 6 years old - your child is learning to create close relationships with others; to experience, manage and express emotions; and to explore and learn. The foundation for lifelong mental health is built in early childhood.
If we can identify mental health concerns early, we can intervene and help prevent children from developing mental health challenges as they grow.
This early intervention supports your child and family’s health and wellness. In the past, it’s been hard to access the mental health care support you need. At Little Otter, we’re working to deliver your family the care you deserve, when you need it.
Worried that your child’s tantrums might not be typical? We’ve created a free, online temper tantrum assessment tool to help you know when to worry.
Additional Resources about Temper Tantrums
Tantrums can be a red flag. But if we can identify mental health concerns early, we can help to get children back on the pathway to healthy development.
In this article, you’ll learn why toddlers have bedtime tantrums, how to respond, and when to worry.
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