Our Son Says He’s a Girl. How Should We Respond?

Ask a Child PsychologistLGBTQIAGender Identity & Expression

Jun 13

This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to gender identity and exploration. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a mom asking about her child’s behaviors, and wondering if they may indicate changing gender expression or identity. Below is the question, and a response from our child mental health experts:

“My child was born male and has been saying recently that he is a girl. He told his teachers and kids at school. He has not expressed anything else about wanting to be a girl (i.e. clothes, toys, etc). We, his parents, identify as lesbians, with one parent being very feminine and the other very masculine. We’re very supportive of whomever he becomes, but are just a little confused if this is play or if he really is a girl. How can we support him without influencing his gender exploration?”
- R., New York

Thank you for contacting Little Otter.

You don’t give details about your son's age, nor details about what your approach to gender topics has been at home. (For instance, do teddy bears or dolls have genders in your home or are they gender neutral?) So I will assume your son is young, far away developmentally from puberty, and that gender has not necessarily been a regular conversation topic at this point.

At this age, especially if your child is well-adapted with no concerning changes in mood or behaviors, it’s important to be positive with what he declares about his identity but without overly encouraging it if it's an occasional statement. Follow his lead.

You are right that now is not the time to offer different clothing. Regarding toys: I would certainly explore his wishes before giving presents to make sure that he is not dreaming of having a doll or similarly "feminine" labeled toy. This is very typical, even if seldom expressed by little boys.

It's ok to react in understated ways at this point, because the research shows that gender identity is far less stable at a very young age; reinforcing his statement without understanding a lot more regarding where he is coming from would be an inappropriate environmental influence for him.

What is important, however, is to get a sense of what his views/understanding of gender are.

I would not interrogate him about "what did you mean at school when you said you were a girl?" unless he is at least 5 or 6 years old and fully capable of expressing feelings and stories already. I would bring up the topic of gender: what does he think the differences are between girls and boys?

You can also communicate the fact that there are lots of ways to be and feel as a boy. Some little boys want to have the right to play in ways that are more "feminine" labeled; some little boys think girls are prettier than boys; some little boys do not want their penis because they may want to be like a parent (i.e. you or other mom); and for some, having one just doesn't feel right . Those are all different situations.

There are a number of books that might feel right for your son ranging from books that discuss having two moms (such as My Two Moms and Me), to books that relate to young children's play with gender roles (we recommend Julián is a Mermaid).

Your goal should be to create an atmosphere where his questions/curiosity can be addressed without judgement or discomfort.

If statements that he is a girl are persistent at school, then I definitely would recommend initiating the conversation now, with or without a book. Be open. Try to be positive and not overly reactive (e.g., overly enthusiastic) and listen to what he says about this. Also address that within a given gender, one can manifest traits that are typically attached to the other gender. So that he gets a sense of the flexibility afforded in being a male.

Please remember that Little Otter has a number of resources in New York, ranging from readings to counseling for families and children and evaluations if you feel additional support is needed.

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