This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to temper tantrums and aggression. Please take care when reading.
Most families will experience temper tantrums as their children grow up, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy. Here’s one mother’s question about her daughter’s tantrums:
“My daughter is 3 years and 8 months old, and she has tantrums. More often than not, they’re daily. There is yelling words and phrases like ‘you’re mean,’ as well as hitting, kicking, biting, head-butting, etc. I try to express that her feelings are valid, and tell her it’s OK to feel angry but it’s not OK to hit Mommy. It’s escalated and now she reacts this way to her dad and grandmother. When she gets a crowd reaction, it further fuels her fire. What can we do?”
- L., Pennsylvania
Thank you for your question about your daughter's tantrums. It can be difficult to tell whether a preschooler's tantrums are "typical" or not.
To start with, the majority of three-year-olds have tantrums. Preschool children are just learning to regulate their emotions and behaviors. They’re also developing their language and understanding of the world. But it is a work in progress! It is easy for young children to get overwhelmed with feelings and that can result in a temper tantrum.
About 7 out of 10 three-year-olds had a tantrum in the last month, and about 4 out of 10 are aggressive during tantrums; they hit, bite, or kick another person or themselves and/or break something. So how do we tell if a child's tantrums are typical or atypical?
Young children who have tantrums nearly every day for a month, and who hit, bite, kick, or break something during a tantrum, are at greater risk for having an emotional or behavioral mental health challenge.
I call frequent, aggressive tantrums "mental health fevers" for little kids: they tell us that something is going on, but not what.
Just like when a child has a fever, you look at the other symptoms like a cough or stuffy nose. For a "mental health fever" we want to look at the child's other emotions (e.g., fears, worries, sadness, anger) and other behaviors (such as difficulty separating, sleep issues, eating issues, social challenges). We also want to look at what is happening around your child: have there been changes in your family like a new sibling; family conflict; a new daycare or school; a traumatic experience?
What we have to remember is that little ones often do not have the words to tell you how they are feeling. We have to try to understand what they are feeling inside by observing their behaviors. This is not easy! And it can be really frustrating. That’s why it can be so helpful to have a trusted person to whom you can ask for advice.
In conclusion, some of the behaviors that you are describing could be a sign that your daughter is struggling with how to manage her big emotions and how to manage her behavior when these big feelings come on. Because she is having tantrums nearly every day and is hitting, as well as having tantrums with multiple adults, you might want to consider talking with an early childhood mental health professional about your daughter and how to best manage her tantrums and support her healthy development.
Little Otter is here for you - to join with you to try to understand what your daughter is experiencing and how we can help you to help her.
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