This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to anger, defiance, and aggression. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a parent looking for guidance on how to speak with their pre-pubescent daughter more constructively. Below is the question, and a response from one of our child mental health experts:

“My daughter is 10 and keeps having outbursts. She's being very defiant and disrespectful; she refuses to listen or follow rules and directions. She also tries to give ultimatums to get her way, and throws a fit if it doesn't work. She gets very angry to the point of grabbing me, trying to leave the house, and knocking over chairs. She's also starting to lie and manipulate. She absolutely will not be anywhere near my mom (her grandma) who lives with us, to the point of leaving the room.

She's never been like this before. She hasn't started her period yet, but I'm aware it's coming soon.

I'm just not sure how to help her. I've tried talking to her and she'll listen and change briefly before things escalate again.”

- K., Oregon

Thank you for reaching out. Your situation sounds quite stressful, so I want to point out something you said that sounds like a strength in the relationship between you and your daughter. When you try to talk to her, she listens AND changes her behavior, albeit briefly. What that tells me is that she is not uncaring about how you feel and that she tries (even if she fails) to follow rules.

If you are correct that your daughter is about to start her period, I would say that the first thing you want to do is treat her like she is, in fact, a teenager: the brain often changes even before the body does.

A teenager resents rules and being treated like a child. They combine a deep need for their parent (you) with a rejection of their parent (also you). They want to be unique, in charge of their lives, thinking for themselves, and expressing themselves in ways that they perceive as cool. This may involve cursing, talking back, and so forth. The key words when you parent a teen are negotiation and compromise. Sometimes allowing them victories in the form of increasing freedoms (step-wise) is necessary, too. It is also an opportunity to explain that with more freedom comes more responsibility.

You do not mention it, but I’m curious to know if anything happened between your mom and your daughter. You say that your daughter leaves the room when your mom is there. Is something important in their history? For instance: your daughter might be mad at your mom because of how she parented you, or she is mad at your mom because of the things that your mom said to her (teens are very sensitive), or something else. In such cases, living with your mom is likely a situation that destabilizes your daughter and makes her baseline more irritable.

There are also mental health issues that can affect children and adolescents and make them more irritable. If you find that my advice above really does not fit, a mental health expert can help you better understand what is happening with your daughter. Please know that Little Otter offers a range of services that support the development of children and adolescents in a way that is family-friendly and responsive. Please do not hesitate to contact us at Little Otter. Or, you can begin the registration to join Little Otter here.

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