My 9-Year-Old Shuts Down Completely When He Gets Upset. What Can I Do?

This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to tantrums and aggression. Please take care when reading.

Every parent worries about their child at some moment or another. That said, even when you’re worried and you feel alone, know that there are people and organizations ready to help.

"My 9-year-old son shuts down completely when he's upset. He won't talk to anyone and runs away from us. If we try to go after him, he becomes aggressive. Mom is usually the only one that can calm him down, after 5-10 minutes of reassuring him he’s not in trouble. Should I worry about this behavior?"

- E., California

Thank you for your question. My first inclination is to ask for more information. When did this problem start? How long has this been his pattern? How frequently does he become upset and run away? What does his aggressive behavior look like? Does he seem anxious or scared? (Short of more detailed information, I will take a general approach to providing some feedback.)

It seems that on the surface your son is having a hard time expressing his feelings in the moment.

He might need more space when he becomes angry. Sometimes children do this precisely because they are worried about becoming aggressive and losing control. They don’t want to hurt anyone.

It also seems that at some point he may have internalized that he will “get in trouble,” and this could be due to what he did to cause himself to become upset, or his behavior when he does become upset.

You could sit down with him and talk to him about when he gets mad. Reassure him that he won’t get in trouble for feeling angry, and that you want him to have space if he needs it.

When children are upset or having a tantrum, it is not the time to engage them in conversation or try to rationalize with them. If he is in an aggressive state, your first priority is to keep everyone safe until the tantrum passes.

If you’re concerned about your child’s tantrums, you may appreciate this online Temper Tantrum Assessment from Little Otter.

You’ll answer a few questions about your child’s tantrums. Immediately after completing the questions, you’ll get a custom report to help you understand whether your child’s tantrums are typical. You’ll also get connected to additional resources that can help.

If you decide you want a little more help, you may want to explore Little Otter. Through the Little Otter platform, you would have the opportunity to talk with a parent coach in more detail about your child’s behavior and work collaboratively to help your son decrease his fleeing and aggressive behaviors.