8 Tips for How To Respond When Your Child Misbehaves at Home
Last week, we talked about why children may be superstars at school, but horrible at home. So, if you find yourself in that situation, here are 8 best practice tips to respond when your child misbehaves at home.
If your child misbehaves at home, here are 8 tips for what to do.
1. Don’t take it personally!
This behavior isn’t intentional, and they aren’t “acting out” on purpose. They’re just having a hard time coping. If you see it as intentional, you’re more likely to be in a negative state of mind when responding or reacting to your child’s behavior.
2. Be your kid’s rock.
When they’re in difficult moments, it helps your child to acknowledge that they’re having a hard time. By staying calm, you show your children you can tolerate their distress.
3. Don’t get drawn into a power struggle.
You can empower your child to make choices, and offer to help in a different way. Power struggles only increase stress.
4. Show empathy for how hard your child is working at school.
It takes a lot of energy to follow the rule - so acknowledge that! Show that you understand they may be tired when they get home.
5. Avoid making negative comparisons between home and school behavior.
These types of comparisons can result in shame. Build on the positive at school, and use that to encourage more positive behavior at school. Shaming increases negativity and leads to less, not more, cooperation.
6. Build in time for connection after school.
Spending quality time together to connect - even just a few moments - after school can make things less stressful and more cooperative. Making it a ritual is even better. For example, you might plan to read a chapter of a book together.
7. Create a cozy, chill-out space.
Your child may need time and space to relax before they can reconnect. You might have a kiddie tent full of cozy pillows, or even just a nice chair with a calming toy. Let your little one show you when they’re ready to connect.
8. Maintain the important limits.
It’s tempting to let go of limits because you’re tired. But boundaries are especially important for little ones when they’re spiraling out of control. Letting go of important limits ultimately leads to more power struggles and therefore more stress for all.
Think: “I know it’s hard to say goodnight and you don’t like that there is a limit on books at bedtime. But our rule is three stories and then lights out. I can’t wait to see you in the morning.” The alternative—getting into a protracted battle at bedtime—is what is harmful to kids (and parents.) You can love your child while also setting limits. These are not mutually exclusive. It is not love or limits. Limits are loving.
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You’ll start with an assessment, and then connect with a licensed and trained child mental health and parenting specialist. You’ll also gain the tools and support to manage these challenging moments.
Meet the Writer: Claire Lerner, MSW
CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than twenty years. Claire has also been a practicing clinician for 35 years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Claire also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents. Claire is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers. Claire is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and mom to two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Washington, DC with her husband and two, also spirited, pups.
Learn more about Claire’s latest book:
Why Is My Child in Charge?: A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find Joy in Parenting Young Children (Rowman & Littlefield. Hardcover) ISBN: 978-1-5381-4900-3.
Through stories from my practice, I show how making critical mindshifts—seeing their children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers parents to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Unlike many parenting books that offer a one-size-fits-all approach that often leave parents feeling frustrated and defeated when those prescriptions don't work, the real-life stories in my book provide a roadmap for how parents can tune into the root causes of their children’s behavior and how to create and implement strategies that are tailored to the unique needs of their child and family. Read more about and order the book:
Rowman & Littlefield -*Offering a 30% discount through 9/30! Call 800-462-6420, promo code: RLFANDF30