20 Tips for How to Understand and Parent Your Highly Sensitive Child
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If your child seems to be a “big reactor,” prone to power struggles, perfectionism, and/or frustration, you may have a Highly Sensitive Child (HSC). Here are 20 key insights from child mental health experts.
When parents and caregivers express challenges with tantrums, frustration, aggressive behavior, or power struggles with their children, we want to pay attention. This can be a sign that they’re dealing with a highly sensitive child (HSC). This blog post is a parent’s guide to understanding a highly sensitive child.
In this guide, parents and caregivers like you will learn tips for understanding highly sensitive children by providing insights into 12 traits of highly sensitive children, and 8 expert parenting tips.
Specifically, you’ll learn:
Ready to learn what makes a child “highly sensitive,” traits shared by highly sensitive children, and how parents and caregivers can support highly sensitive kids? Let’s start with what defines a highly sensitive child.
Highly sensitive children are wired to process and react to their experiences in the world more deeply than other children. A highly sensitive child is very attuned to their environment, experiences, relationships, and expectations.
A child’s high sensitivity is about their temperament. Temperament describes how children approach the world; it’s really the why of their behavior. We’re all born with our temperament; it’s not something children choose or that parents create.
That doesn’t mean that they’re constantly crying; rather, their nervous systems are hard-wired to process and respond to their world more deeply than other children.
Experts estimate that about 15-20% of children are highly sensitive.
Parents tend to describe highly sensitive children as either ecstatic or enraged— no middle register. In fact, they’re sometimes referred to as “hot house flowers” or “orchids”, because they are affected by and reactive to even minor changes in their environment.
That intensity means they’re often misunderstood by those around them. Even parents may struggle to understand a highly sensitive child. You’ll learn 12 habits of highly sensitive children that you may struggle to understand (and tips for reframing your thinking).
Highly sensitive children are amazing kids. They tend to be fierce, determined, passionate, insightful, and empathetic. They’re also prone to having more challenges in adapting to life’s expectations and limits.
If your child appears to be very responsive to the physical and emotional world around them, and the people around them, you might have a Highly Sensitive Child.
Here are a few signs of Highly Sensitive Children.
Appear to have big reactions, even to seemingly small things.
Seem to be very particular about the way things feel, are done, organized, or managed.
Tend to be perfectionists.
Appear to be apprehensive about new situations or individuals.
Seem to be very self-aware or perceptive.
These are just a few possible signs of Highly Sensitive Children; we’ll cover 12 more detailed traits of HSCs next.
Below are some of the most common actions and behaviors that parents struggle to understand. Of course, not every highly sensitive child is going to have all of these traits, and many kids who aren’t highly sensitive will struggle to some degree with these challenges.
By sharing these traits, we hope that parents will better understand the root cause of their highly sensitive child’s confusing and triggering behaviors. Then, they’ll be equipped to provide the love and support needed to nurture their child’s incredible strengths and help them cope with everyday challenges.
1. Highly sensitive kids experience emotional extremes.
Highly sensitive children live at the extremes. They often make irrational exclamations, such as, “I NEVER get to sit on mommy’s lap”, when in reality, nine out of ten times this child occupies that coveted space while his easy-going sibling accepts the sidelines.
2. A highly sensitive child has bigger reactions to sensory input.
Children who are highly sensitive emotionally are also likely to be more sensitive to sensory input. They experience sights, sounds, tastes, smells and/or textures more intensely. For example, highly sensitive children may:
Become afraid of public bathrooms because the flusher is too jarring and loud.
Reject foods that have strong tastes and smells.
Throw a fit if their favorite clothes aren’t available.
Get upset when things don’t visually appear as expected.
Highly sensitive children may feel bombarded with sensations they can't manage effectively, which can amplify their emotional reactions.
3. Highly sensitive children are more prone to meltdowns.
Highly sensitive children typically experience stress more quickly. They become overwhelmed by big emotions, and may have outsized reactions to sensory input. As a result, they may have more frequent and intense meltdowns.
4. A highly sensitive child is keenly tuned in to everyone and everything.
Highly sensitive children’s brains never turn off; they are “processors.” They tend to focus on and analyze even minute details. This makes them extremely insightful and empathetic. But it also means they get overwhelmed more easily as they are absorbing more than they can handle.
One mom shared that their daughter notices tone changes between her and her husband, and will try to intervene and stop any slight conflict.
5. They have an intense need for control, and can be rigid and inflexible.
A highly sensitive child’s world can feel overwhelming. To gain control, high sensitivity kids may come up with fixed ideas and expectations about how things should be. For them, this helps make daily life more manageable.
This can include:
Dictating where people will sit.
How they wear their hair.
What color bowl their cereal should come in.
What clothes they will and will not wear.
How food needs to be cut or arranged on a plate.
These seemingly irrational demands are coping mechanisms. The more out of control kids feel on the inside, the more controlling they become on the outside.
6. Highly sensitive children may be uncannily self-aware.
A highly sensitive child can be uncannily self-aware - even more so than some adults! In my practice, parents have shared stories like these:
Charlie (5) told his dad: “Remember when I said that mean thing to you yesterday when I was mad? I was lying. I just wanted to make you feel bad, too.”
Bella (4) explained to her mom after an epic meltdown: “I just can’t make my brain calm down. I think we need to see the doctor.”
Reuben (3) shared his thoughts about the winter holidays: “I don’t like Santa. He keeps asking me if I’ve been naughty or nice. I can’t be good all the time—that’s impossible. I like Baby Jesus and Hanukkah. They don’t ask me if I’m good.” This, from a person who has just been in and learning about the world for 48 months!
7. Highly sensitive children are more fearful and cautious in new situations.
When highly sensitive children enter a new situation, their wheels are turning. In a new classroom, birthday party, swim class, or family gathering, they’re wondering: “What is this place? What will happen here? Who are these people? What can I expect from them? Will they like me? Will I be safe? Will I be good at whatever is expected of me here? “
This constant analysis of their environment makes highly sensitive children extremely bright and insightful. But it can also be overwhelming and make them more prone to anxiety, especially in new situations.
To cope, highly sensitive children have a tendency to cling to their comfort zone and resist anything new. They tend to have a harder time separating from their parents. It takes them longer to adapt when they start childcare or preschool. They refuse to go to activities or events, even ones they love.
8. They tend to have a lower tolerance for frustration.
Highly sensitive children get frustrated relatively easily. They tend to experience more distress and give up more easily when they confront a challenging task.
We all experience natural discomfort when learning and before mastering a new skill. For a highly sensitive child, this is intolerable. It’s extremely hard for them to get through these moments.
9. They are prone to perfectionism and have a very hard time losing.
Highly sensitive children tend to be perfectionists. When they can’t do something exactly as their brain is telling them it should be, they experience it as a loss of control which is very uncomfortable and hard to tolerate. They’re also triggered to feel shame more easily, and may quickly feel like a “failure.” This is also why losing is so hard for highly sensitive kids.
10. They have a hard time tolerating being corrected.
Highly sensitive children struggle to be corrected. Even benign directions are often perceived as personal indictments, rather than helpful guidance.
When they’re corrected, they may feel shame. This shame may result in laughing, averting their gaze, getting angry, or running away. These are all coping mechanisms that provide protection and relief from a flood of difficult emotions.
11. They are more self-conscious.
Highly sensitive children may become preoccupied with how others see them. They get very uncomfortable when any attention is called to them, and tend to avoid the spotlight.
This even extends to positive attention, such as when parents or other adults are saying complimentary things. That’s why they are particularly uncomfortable with praise—as counterintuitive as that may seem. They know this means they are being evaluated, and absorb and react to the pressure.
12. Highly sensitive children may take things personally.
Highly sensitive children tend to take things more personally. They may feel easily slighted, and are also inclined to misinterpret other’s actions. They filter their experiences through a victim mindset, as if they are primed and sometimes on a hair trigger to be hurt in some way. This can make peer and sibling interactions challenging.
We hope that providing some insights into these habits of highly sensitive children will help you understand and feel more empowered in parenting your highly sensitive child.
High sensitivity is about natural temperament and disposition. Our sensitivity isn’t something we can choose, and it’s not something we can outgrow.
However, Highly Sensitive Children can learn how to better manage their emotions and adapt to the world. In that way, they may develop in ways that mitigate the more challenging aspects of their sensitivity.
It can be difficult to parent a highly sensitive child. Here are a few tips that can help.
1. Manage your expectations.
As a parent or caregiver, you’re not doing something wrong or failing because you can't seem to prevent your child's epic meltdowns. Expect big meltdowns with kids who are wired to be big reactors. You can't always (or even sometimes) prevent them.
It can be relieving to accept that your child may have to melt down, it’s not your fault that the meltdown happened, and you can't prevent or stop the meltdowns.
2. Don’t interpret or react to your child’s behavior at face value.
Young children are driven by emotions and are irrational by nature. When they lash out, it is their way of saying they are overwhelmed and are having a hard time coping. When children say hurtful things, it’s important not to take them literally. They’re expressing their sadness, frustration, anger or fear in the only way they know how.
When you respond with anger or hurt, it is confusing to them because they don’t literally mean what they do or say. A big, emotional reaction only fuels your highly sensitive child’s distress.
3. Don’t try to minimize emotions.
Because we adore our children, our knee-jerk reaction to distress is often to try to make the uncomfortable feelings (theirs and ours) go away. Unfortunately, attempting to talk kids out of their feelings doesn’t make them magically disappear. In fact, these feelings usually get amplified and may be more likely to be “acted out.”
4. Remain calm and try not to get reactive yourself.
It’s easier said than done, but try to remain calm. When a parent becomes reactive or revved up, it tends to increase a highly sensitive child’s distress. This leads to more out-of-control behavior.
The more you react to their behavior, the more you reinforce it. When you remain calm, your child is likely to settle down more quickly. They need you to be their rock when they’re unraveling.
5. Acknowledge and validate the feelings that are driving your child’s behavior.
When your child has a big response, look for the underlying meaning and respond to that.
Helping your highly sensitive child name and understand their emotions — the drivers of behavior — is especially important. This ultimately reduces their need to act-out feelings.
6. Stay present, while providing space.
During a moment of overwhelm, your child needs you to be a calm presence. During a meltdown, parents have the tendency of repeating an empathetic response over and over again. Unfortunately, this can trigger your highly sensitive child.
Try to acknowledge your child’s distress one time, and then become a quiet, calm presence until the storm passes.
7. Avoid cheerleading or trying to problem-solve during a meltdown
When kids are in meltdown mode, less is more. When your child is in the "red zone", their brain is flooded and is not open to processing information. This is not the time to problem-solve or teach your child a lesson.
If your child exhibits perfectionist tendencies, they may be more sensitive to failure and more sensitive to your perception of themselves. Saying “no one’s perfect” or “But I love your drawing!” may backfire. This is in part because HSCs have a finely tuned sense for when others are trying to control them; your attempts to assuage the upset about a perceived failure can feel like control to them, and they may become more defensive and dig in their heels more irrationally.
Perhaps most importantly, when you jump to reassure, you invalidate your child's experience, as irrational as the reaction may seem. You can't take away your child's feelings. As a parent or caregiver, your job is to help them look at and make sense of their emotions. That process can only take place once your child is calm and can think clearly.
8. When your child is calm, help them “reality check.”
When your child is calm again, let them know you have some ideas about different ways to approach the situation.
Next, ask your child if they’d like to hear your ideas. It is important to ask for permission to share your opinions, as minor or strange as it may seem to you. However, launching into your ideas can feel overwhelming, intrusive, or controlling to a Highly Sensitive Child. By asking, you allow them to be in control, which helps them feel more comfortable and open to feedback.
Then, you can share your perspective. For example, if you have a perfectionist, you might say something like: “I’ve been doing this (i.e. writing, drawing, making lunch) for more than 30 years - that’s more than 25 years more practice than you’ve had! Learning how to do new things means making a lot of mistakes along the way. That’s how we learn. We have to keep trying, especially after we make mistakes, to get good at something. Even then, we will still make mistakes!”
Sharing your thoughts, guidance, and personal experiences when your child is calm, and with their permission, can help them better understand and adapt to the world.
Because of their sensitivity, highly sensitive kids are more prone to anxiety and other mental health challenges. In some cases, Highly Sensitive Children may experience sensory processing challenges. In all cases, early intervention matters. Getting the right help early in life can reduce the impact of a child’s mental health challenges as they develop.
If your highly sensitive child's behaviors are interfering in their ability to engage in healthy relationships with others or to function effectively at home and school, it is important to seek professional help.
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Meet the Writer: Claire Lerner, MSW
CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than twenty years. Claire has also been a practicing clinician for 35 years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges.
Claire also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents. Claire is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers.
Claire is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and mom to two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Washington, DC with her husband and two, also spirited, pups.