A Parent’s Guide to Toddler Bedtime Tantrums
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Toddler temper tantrums are never fun - particularly not after a long day, when you’re ready to wind down. Sometimes a toddler’s temper tantrums are predictable (especially when they are hungry, tired, or overstimulated) and other times they may seemingly occur out of the blue. Either way, something about sleep seems to spark screaming at bedtime.
In this article, we’ll share why toddlers have bedtime tantrums, how to respond, when to worry about sleep tantrums - and more. You’ll also learn a little more about other bedtime concerns you may have, including childhood insomnia (aka trouble falling and/or staying asleep) and night terrors.
In this article, you’ll learn answers to common questions about bedtime tantrums, including:
What are bedtime tantrums?
Like all other tantrums, bedtime temper tantrums are all about feelings. Temper tantrums are sudden outbursts of emotions that happen when big feelings - like anger, sadness, worry, or stress - overwhelm your child. Tantrums are one important way that young children can communicate their feelings with us.
Toddlers have temper tantrums because they haven’t yet developed the verbal skills to communicate their feelings, or the self-regulatory skills to manage big emotions or self-soothe in times of distress.
The good news is that all tantrums, including bedtime tantrums, tend to become less frequent and less intense as children grow and gain these skills.
Although toddler tantrums any time of day can be frustrating and embarrassing for parents, it’s important to remember that they represent a key developmental milestone in your child’s life. These outbursts of emotion are difficult for you as a parent, but they’re also tough for your kiddo. It’s not fun to feel overwhelmed by big feelings that are out of control.
Tantrums can be a signal of your child’s mental health. We’ll talk about this later, but if your child is experiencing extreme, aggressive, or prolonged temper tantrums, it might be time to seek additional support. We recommend starting with our free online temper tantrum assessment for children 2-6. After answering three key questions, you’ll learn whether your child’s tantrums fall within the typical range, or whether it may be time to seek additional support. Access the temper tantrum assessment here.
What causes bedtime tantrums?
All temper tantrums, including bedtime tantrums, are more likely to happen during transitions, or when your child is tired, hungry, or overstimulated.
At bedtime, a lot of these factors come into play that make sleep tantrums more likely. For one, it’s a transition time. We’re asking little ones to stop doing something fun - like playing, reading, or watching TV - and get ready to rest. Plus, since it’s bedtime, your kiddos might already be tired from a long day.
Experts cite a few common sleep tantrum triggers, including:
Separation anxiety that occurs when a child knows they have to go to their own room alone.
Lack of routine or sudden transition to bedtime (especially from something fun).
Older sibling(s) staying up and doing something the younger child wants to participate in.
Nightmare avoidance due to a recent bad dream.
Already too tired or overstimulated.
TV or other screen time before bedtime.
Struggles with impulse control or winding down.
In addition, your child might not be feeling well due to illness, or they might simply be uncomfortable. All of these factors can make bedtime difficult for you and your child and trigger sleep tantrums.
Every child and family situation is unique, so there are countless reasons that a child might struggle with bedtime temper tantrums.
Since tantrums are all about feelings, you can start to understand what might spark a bedtime tantrum by tuning into your child’s emotions. After all, they’re having a temper tantrum because they’re trying to express their emotions in the best way they know how.
If you’re dealing with these challenges, know that you’re not alone and that support does exist for you.
Are bedtime tantrums normal?
Yes, bedtime tantrums are common - and expected. Tantrums are one of the most common parenting challenges.
Dr. Helen Egger, a leading child psychiatrist and Little Otter’s co-founder, conducted a study of preschool tantrums. She found that:
75% of 2-year-olds and 60% of 3-year-olds had at least one temper tantrum in the last month.
The mean number of tantrums for 2-year-olds was 4 times a week and for 3-year-olds 5 times a week.
Older preschoolers (ages 4 and 5) had a mean of 2 tantrums a week.
Fortunately, as your child matures and develops their language and impulse control skills, tantrums should become less frequent and less intense. But during this phase, there are ways to manage your child’s bedtime tantrums, especially if they are disrupting your family’s life.
Concerned about your toddler’s temper tantrums? Take our free, 3-question temper tantrum assessment for kids 2-6 to learn whether it’s time to worry.
How can you deal with toddler bedtime tantrums?
Toddler bedtime tantrums are difficult to deal with. Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating night tantrums, as much as we wish there were. How you deal with toddler bedtime tantrums will be unique to your family.
That’s why we want to be careful about offering general rules; in fact, they may leave you feeling even more frustrated if they don’t work in your situation. However, there are a few guiding principles for dealing with night tantrums that may be helpful:
You can’t force your child to sleep, but you can create conditions that make it easier.
Enforcing limits doesn’t make you a bad parent. In fact, limits are loving because they help your child learn how to adapt.
Learning to sleep independently is a skill that requires practice.
There’s no right or wrong plan for your bedtime.
Whatever plan you come up with, what’s most important is that you are loving, clear and consistent.
The article includes 10 detailed guidelines to reframe how you approach night tantrums, and help you approach these often challenging situations with a helpful mindset.
Experts also advise that try to understand the tantrum trigger, because temper tantrums are one way kids communicate their wants and needs.
“[Try] to understand what’s driving the tantrum in the first place, and teach skills to address the core need while also building a consistent routine,” said Dr. David Hong, Little Otter Advisor.
Here are some examples of how that might work:
If your child experiences anxiety, try giving behavioral strategies to manage stress while also establishing a clear expectation that parents will be gradually moving further away from the bed, Dr. Hong recommended.
If your child has impulsive or disruptive behavior, try creating a longer transition time in the evenings before switching to bed.
If your child is struggling to learn how to sleep independently, you may incorporate books to help teach your child about this skill. We recommend the book “Your Own Big Bed” by Rita Bergstein, which can help validate your child’s feelings.
Should you ignore a bedtime meltdown?
Some parents wonder whether to ignore a toddler temper tantrum, and if so, when.
Experts say that there’s a big difference between truly ignoring or not actively intervening. In some cases, they say that it’s better to not intervene, as long as everyone and everything is safe. That might look like turning your back on the situation, or moving away (while still making sure you can ensure safety).
This is a simple question with a complex answer. If you’re interested in learning when and how to ignore a toddler tantrum, this expert-led blog post is for you.
What shouldn’t parents do when their toddler is screaming at bedtime?
The advice is clear: avoid bartering with your child during a tantrum.
At times, parents who are (understandably) frustrated by a pattern of bedtime tantrums might try to barter with their child in an effort to get them to sleep. It’s best to avoid bedtime exchanges that sound like, “OK you can use your iPad for 15 more minutes, but after that, it’s lights out.”
Even though it might provide temporary peace, this sort of bartering can ultimately make it harder for your child to stick to a bedtime routine in the long run. This is because your child may learn to expect a token or reward in exchange for adhering to bedtime expectations; meltdowns can happen when that reward isn’t possible. They might also learn that big behavior gets them the result they’re looking for.
Next, you’ll learn a few tips for how to avoid toddler bedtime tantrums.
How can you prevent toddler bedtime tantrums?
When it comes to preventing toddler bedtime tantrums, a predictable and consistent bedtime routine is key.
“The most important thing here is what is called good sleep hygiene: bedtime rituals that make bedtime a good part of the day, giving kids warning ahead of time that bedtime is coming, having no TV or other electronic devices in the room, etc.,” shared Dr. Helen Egger, Little Otter’s Chief Medical and Scientific Officer, and Co-Founder.
You can start building your child’s bedtime routine with the following tips:
Make sure that bedtime occurs at the same time each night (including weekends).
Provide plenty of transition time and let your child know bedtime is coming well before it begins.
Keep a consistent routine (ie. brushing teeth, reading a book, then lights out).
If older child are permitted to stay up later, save fun activities for the following day when everyone can participate (thus reducing your child’s fear of missing out).
As you work to establish good sleep hygiene for your child and family, keep in mind that building healthy sleep habits can take weeks.
Many children benefit from including calming activities as part of their bedtime routine. We created a free Sleep Activity Kit to help your kids fall asleep easier and have a restful night. It’s full of relaxing activities for before bed, including a few sleep meditations for kids.
Free Sleep Activity Kit
Download this free sleep activity kit to get 9 relaxing activities for before bed, including children’s sleep meditations!
As we covered in our blog all about childhood insomnia and sleep challenges, expect that your child will probably escalate their protests temporarily at the beginning of implementing better bedtime hygiene. (Experts call this a “post-extinction burst”!) Try to avoid conflict, as this may elevate stress and keep your child awake even more.
As Claire Lerner reminds us: “Remember, kids are strategic - not manipulative. They’re trying to get you back in their room, not drive you crazy.”
For your bedtime routine to be effective, it must be predictable and consistent.
Did COVID-19 impact bedtime tantrums?
In talking about temper tantrums, we’d be remiss if we didn’t address the many ways that the COVID-19 pandemic has impacted family life, and in turn, tantrums.
With everyone staying closer to home, children and adults alike have been exposed to increased screen time and less routine, socialization, and exercise. This can all add up to extra energy and/or anxiety for your child, making tantrums all the more likely to occur. Families may want to make time for movement and take screen breaks in whatever way you can.
“It can be helpful to be very intentional about getting movement and taking screen breaks - like having a home dance party in the morning, at lunch, or in the afternoon, even if it’s not possible to get outside,” said Dr. Petra Steinbuchel, Little Otter Advisor.
Also, although it might seem unrelated, Dr. Steinbuchel also recommends eating dinner as a family when possible. While hectic schedules can make it hard to accomplish, there is evidence to suggest that children who eat dinner with their families have not only healthier bodies but also higher vocabularies and a lower risk for emotional problems. Having this meaningful connection before bed may help to prevent separation anxiety and resultant bedtime temper tantrums.
How do bedtime tantrums relate to childhood insomnia?
Yes, children can experience insomnia! Childhood insomnia is broadly defined as difficulty going to bed, challenges falling asleep, and/or trouble sleeping. Childhood insomnia can look like:
Refusal to go to bed.
Resistance to bedtime.
Bedtime tantrums.
Frequent requests for stories or drinks after “lights out.”
Needing help or attention from a caregiver to sleep.
Just not being able to get enough quality sleep.
As the research shows, tantrums can be a symptom of childhood insomnia. Keep in mind that sleep difficulties - including bedtime tantrums - aren’t just a natural part of growing up. But for some children, these bedtime tantrums and sleep challenges can be a sign of other mental health challenges. That’s why it’s so important to pay attention to sleep challenges and childhood insomnia, and seek additional support as necessary.
You can learn more about childhood insomnia in this detailed, research-backed blog.
Should I worry about night terrors?
While sleep terrors can be worrying and uncomfortable, they’re not associated with mental health disorders. Generally speaking, night terrors aren’t harmful to your child. However, pay attention to them and speak to your pediatrician if you notice:
Drooling, jerking, or stiffening.
Episodes lasting longer than 30 minutes.
Dangerous behavior during an episode.
Daytime fears or a significant amount of family stress that may be leading to night terrors.
When should you worry about bedtime tantrums?
Sometimes, in spite of having a consistent bedtime routine and good sleep hygiene, bedtime temper tantrums may persist. This can cause sleep deprivation for the child and family that can impact many aspects of development and wellbeing.
Child mental health experts refer to tantrums that are frequent (almost daily), prolonged (more than 20 minutes), and/or aggressive (involve hitting, kicking, biting, throwing) as “mental health fevers.” They can be a sign that your child is experiencing some distress, but they don’t tell us yet what that might be.
In addition, if you’re noticing that your child is consistently waking up tired and/or that their bedtime temper tantrums aren’t getting better, it might be a sign that they are struggling with an underlying mental health concern.
If you have some concerns about your toddler’s tantrums, you may want to take our free online temper tantrum assessment to get some guidance.
Fortunately, with early detection and the right support, your child can learn to adhere to a bedtime routine that works for your family.
And when you’re ready, Little Otter is available in select states for evaluation, treatment, and support. Learn more and join today.
Additional Resources:
[Free Guide] A Complete Guide to Temper Tantrums
[Blog] Childhood Insomnia & What to Do When Your Kid Won’t Sleep
[Blog] 10 Tips for Navigating Night Tantrums & Bedtime Struggles
[Online Assessment] Free Temper Tantrum Assessment
[Free Download] Free Sleep Activity Kit: 9 Relaxing Activities for Before Bed
