Why Won’t My Child Say Sorry?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to sensitivity. Please take care when reading.
One parent recently wrote in, asking about why his child won’t say sorry. Here’s a response from Little Otter’s team of experts.
“Our almost 4-year-old son finds it very difficult to apologize.
He has lots of friends at his preschool and the playground. But when he accidentally bumps into a friend and the friend falls or is in pain, our son finds it very difficult to apologize, and strongly resists prompts to ask the friend how they are and say ‘I'm sorry.’ We asked him why it’s hard for him, and he said that he just feels so sad he can't talk; perhaps overwhelmed with sadness or guilt if the friend cries? How do we teach him to say ‘I'm sorry?’”
- H., California
Thank you for reaching out to Little Otter.
Although preschool aged children are often encouraged to offer an apology after causing distress to others, saying "I'm sorry" is actually a complicated developmental task that many 3- and 4-year-old-children are still trying to master.
In order to offer a meaningful apology, a child must have the capacity to take the perspective of another person, experience genuine feelings of empathy and remorse, and possess the social skills needed to make an offer of repair.
Feelings of sadness and shame after accidentally hurting a friend can make the process even more challenging.
It sounds like your son is a child who enjoys social relationships with peers and is already quite sensitive to the experiences of others.
(You may also be interested to learn these 19 things to know about highly sensitive children.)
Here are 5 strategy recommendations that may be helpful to your family as you support your son’s ongoing social-emotional development, which respecting his sensitivity.
Model the behavior. Apologize for mistakes yourself, empathize with others, and demonstrate repair so your son sees the process in action.
Open a conversation. During a calm moment at home, talk with your son about what helps him to feel better when he is hurt or sad. Think together about how to help when he hurts a friend.
Reaffirm love. Assure your son that everyone makes mistakes and that he has your love and support while he learns this important skill.
Leave space for sensitivity. Appreciate that extra-sensitivity (which you describe and is generally a good thing but can make the owner prone to shame and guilt at any age) needs gentleness, so I would frame the apology as a skill you are confident he will reach and in the meantime you can celebrate steps towards it. For instance, he might be able to tolerate asking: "are you ok?" and this might then ease him into the apology. Tell him you are going to help him practice and role play this at home: have him walk on your toes accidentally and then practice his developing skill in a more relaxed atmosphere.
I hope this is helpful and please contact Little Otter for additional support if needed.
Do you have a question you’d like to ask a child psychologist?
Submit your questions here. Remember, you can choose to remain anonymous if you’d prefer.
