Why is My 11-Year-Old Daughter So Rude and Defiant? How Should I Respond?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to behavior and rudeness. Please take care when reading.
One parent recently wrote in with a question about their daughter’s behavior. Here is their question, and an answer from our team of child mental health experts.
“My 11-year-old daughter is very disobedient and stubborn. She never listens to me. She can also be anti-social. She’s acted this way since she was 7.
Her teachers have talked to me privately, and said that she’s extremely rude and argumentative with them. Do you have any advice about why she’s acting rude, and what can I do?”
- P., Texas
Thanks for your question!
It is not unusual for children and those approaching adolescence to go through stages where they are more defiant, stubborn, and test limits.
These are natural periods of growth and development that help children identify boundaries and learn how to work successfully on their own identity development.
Based on the information you provided, it sounds like your daughter started testing limits around the age of seven, and has not stopped. She’s difficult at home and at school.
Can you remember anything noteworthy that occurred around the time her defiance began?
If she was not a disagreeable toddler or younger child, something may have occurred in her external environment that caused her to start becoming more argumentative and irritable.
For example, this is the age when many children start to feel more pressure academically. The demands for learning, reading, and writing increase dramatically, and children who struggle oftentimes become more sullen or angry. They can start to dislike school, and this can manifest in behavioral responses that you describe above.
This is also a time when children start to develop more clear friendships. Issues pertaining to socializing, bullying and in-group/out-group status can be understood more readily. Children who are not accepted by their peers or feel excluded can also display the behaviors that you mention.
It could also be that something unique happened in your family that caused her stress.
The fact that your daughter has exhibited this behavior pattern for several years now makes me wonder if she is not dealing with some emotional distress.
Depression in children often manifests as irritability, annoyance, anger, and defiance.
If you have not considered therapeutic support, I recommend exploring the option of working with a child psychologist.
You could start with your daughter’s primary care physician (PCP) and ask for recommendations for someone in your area. Therapeutic support would include an evaluation period where the therapist would gather information to determine what is causing your daughter to behave in such defiant, stubborn, and irritable ways. They would then take steps towards treatment intervention.
At Little Otter, we’re here to support your family with therapy, guidance, and support, too.
I hope you have a good week. Take care.
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