How Can I Help Improve Communication Between My Daughter and Her Stepfather?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to defiance and parent-child relationships. Please take care when reading.
We recently received a question from a mom worried about her daughter’s recent defiance, particularly toward her stepfather. Below is the question, and a response about how to improve communication between a stepfather and daughter from one of our child mental health experts:
“My 9-year-old daughter is so defiant towards both me and my husband, her stepfather. He and I have been together for five years, but this has only become an issue this year.
She won’t listen to her stepfather when he speaks, and she constantly talks back to him. When she does speak to him, it always seems like she’s aggravated with him. He's tried everything, from asking her to go on walks together, getting lunch together, and even just watching TV together, but she always says no. This is causing major tension in our home.
I recently asked her why, and she stated that it's because she’s afraid of her biological father finding out she is OK with her stepdad, and then he'll get mad at her.
However, her biological father is now completely absent in her life. She hasn’t seen her biological father in five years, and he hasn't spoken to her for 2 years.He was very physically and mentally abusive toward me, and she saw it. He is also an alcoholic.
She puts her father on a pedestal and will not give her stepdad a chance to even be a friend. Do you have any advice for how to communicate with her better and reduce the tension in our home?”
- J., Arizona
Thank you for your question. I’m sorry to hear that things have been challenging lately. I think it is always difficult when there is tension in the parent-child relationship.
What I find most curious about your question is the recent shift in your daughter’s attitude towards both you and her stepfather. While it appears her stepfather is getting a little more of her defiance, you comment that she seems to be more irritable with you, too. I’m wondering if the current pandemic and the stress and anxiety related to this turbulent time aren't contributing factors here.
At nine years old, she is on the cusp of starting the puberty stage, which may also be a factor in her current behavior and attitude.
I would like to know more about the relationship she has had with her stepfather over the past few years.
It is normal and natural that a child would experience loyalty to her biological parents.
Her insight into her own process is fairly mature for her age.
It’s important to help her understand that she doesn’t need to choose. We have enough love for all so it does not need to be an either/or decision (e.g., if she has a sibling, you can use the example of loving both of your children; if not, you can use a toy, friend example, etc.).
If the problem gets worse and you feel that her behavior is starting to impact her happiness and that of the family system, you might consider pursuing counseling.
Sometimes when children feel their loyalties are split in situations of divorce, blended families, or adoption, it can be beneficial for them to speak with someone outside of these relationships. It provides them with access to a neutral party where they can share and process their feelings in a safe space.
If you have any more questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us at Little Otter.
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