How to Talk to Kids When a Caregiver has Cancer

Receiving a cancer diagnosis or learning that a loved one has cancer can be extremely overwhelming, confusing, and terrifying. In the midst of these feelings, finding the right way to talk about cancer can be daunting, especially when young kids are involved. 

Haley Pollack, Co-Founder and Executive Director of Bright Spot Network, shed light on her family’s experience:

“In November 2019, when my kids were 6 months and 3 years old, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer. After the immediate shock and disbelief wore off, my first thoughts were of them. They were so little. How would they understand surgery… lifting restrictions… fatigue… changing routines? Let alone, how would they understand cancer? And, of course, how would they survive the weight of all of this, coupled with so much uncertainty?

“For better or for worse, after my diagnosis, things moved fast: within a week I had major surgery. Just five weeks later, I had a port placement and then chemotherapy. My husband and I needed to quickly figure out how we would talk to our young kids about cancer.”

For National Cancer Survivors Month, clinical experts at Little Otter are sharing helpful strategies alongside Haley’s story to help other caregivers talk with their kids about cancer.

Without further ado, here are 4 tips for how parents and caregivers can talk to children about cancer.

1. Give clear, developmentally-appropriate information.

Kids often benefit from hearing clear and direct information about cancer. This can include using actual medical terms and setting expectations about how cancer will affect the family. For example, caregivers can describe how cancer happens in the body, while emphasizing that it is nobody’s fault and it isn’t contagious. You can also explain treatments and describe some of the possible side effects (e.g., feeling tired and sick).

“[My daughter] understood that I had cancer, needed it removed, and would be taking medicine that would make me feel sick before it made me feel better,” Haley shared. “It was important to us to call the cancer ‘cancer.’ Kids are observant and with all the talk of cancer around – hushed or not – we didn’t want her to be filling in the gaps with anything even more scary. We also wanted her to know that being “sick” was different from cancer. As a 3 year-old, she was sick all the time and we didn’t want her to think she was going to have to get surgery if she had the sniffles.”

2. Use stories to help you explain.

Helping kids understand cancer can be extremely challenging, so caregivers may want to pair their verbal explanations with familiar story-telling tools. This can be done by using medical toys and stuffed animals to demonstrate cancer treatments or play out other real or imagined scenarios related to cancer. Books can also be helpful tools for understanding and coping with a caregiver’s cancer diagnosis and treatment. The Bright Spot Network offers a variety of book recommendations, and even free books, for helping kids understand cancer and grief.

Haley said: “Even while we tried to be open in age-appropriate ways, it was difficult. Cancer is abstract. And so, we turned to our feelings. We read books about feelings and started to tell her stories about times that we experienced our own range of feelings. With the stories as a starting point, I was able to explain how I felt when I met my doctor (relieved), came out of surgery (surprised), or started chemotherapy (worried and excited). Of course, there were a range of emotions, some too dark or too complex for a 3-year-old. But many many many of the emotions would become an entrance to talking about our feelings — about my cancer, yes, but also about everything else, as well.”

3. Be ready for questions and answer honestly.

Although you may want to protect your child, it’s important to be honest and avoid providing false reassurance when you talk together about cancer. Kids need to know that their caregivers will do their best to get healthy, with the help of many people including doctors and nurses. However, you should never promise that the cancer will go away. Also, keep in mind that this will likely be an ongoing conversation - even though you may not have all the answers now, you can share more details with your child as you learn more. 

Remember, it’s okay to show your emotions in these conversations, as doing so can help your child understand that it’s alright to have many feelings about cancer.

Modeling your own emotions can also offer long-term benefits for your child’s emotional expression. 

“We talk about our feelings A LOT in my family,” Haley shared. “We tell stories about being surprised, angry, hurt, loved, scared, impulsive, worried, curious… the list goes on.  Honestly, at times it can feel a bit excessive. But then I see my kids (now 4 and 7) express their frustration or sadness with relative ease and I can see them sharpening that tool in their emotional toolbox.”

4. Manage your own distress and consider seeking extra support. 

Cancer is often a life-changing experience, and it’s normal to feel a huge range of emotions. Sometimes, it can feel tough to help your child understand and cope with a loved one’s cancer diagnosis when your own emotions take over. 

Many families affected by cancer find that leaning into their social networks can offer significant support (e.g., offering comfort, helping take kids to school or other activities, providing meals, etc.). Kids may also like to offer help where possible, such as by making cards, giving hugs, or finding ways to stay busy so their caregiver can rest. 

At other times, professional support may be helpful. For instance, hospital Social Workers can provide resources, Child Life Specialists can offer ideas to help your child cope with cancer, and you or your child may benefit from working with a mental health professional to process your emotions. Keep in mind that managing your own distress during this time is one of the best ways to support your child as you navigate through cancer together.