How Can I Talk to My 3-Year-Old Son About His Absent Father, While Maintaining Space for Them to Have a Relationship?

Ask a Child PsychologistTantrumsParental Separation & Divorce

Nov 10

This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. It deals with subjects related to parental separation, abandonment, absent fathers, and co-parenting. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a parent wondering how she can navigate communicating about divorce with her son, while leaving room for him to have a relationship with his father. Below is the question, and a response from one of our child mental health experts:

“My 3-year-old son's father left us a couple of months ago, after working out of town for six months prior. As a result, we're in crisis and had to move cross-country to be with family.
As we’re stepping into divorce, his father is requesting both a FaceTime call and visitation rights. I’ve requested the FaceTime be on his parents’ phone when they are present, so we'll feel emotionally safer.
My son has expressed ‘I’ve lost my Papa’ and told a friend he has no Papa. I’ve not said much, other than that he does have a Papa, but he can’t be with us right now.
How do I talk about his father who essentially abandoned us and how do I reintroduce him? Do you have any suggestions?
My son has also started to have a couple of full-blown temper tantrums: hitting, kicking, biting, throwing things, and screaming. (Just two or three in the last two weeks, and I think I’ve figured out how to curb them.) Unfortunately, the hitting and throwing remain a daily issue whether it’s for fun or when he's upset.
How can I have these important conversations with my son, and how can I respond to this behavior in a healthy way?”
- Anonymous

I am so sorry that you are in this crisis and I recognize how hard it is to reach out for support during this time. You are an awesome mom for trying to figure out how to make this easier for your young son.

You are right that it’s also important to not overwhelm or confuse your son with relationship issues that he will not understand. You can validate his sadness as well as reassure him that although things have changed, there are constants he can rely on.

Also, ensuring that you take care of yourself and your mental health is going to be very important. It is hard to care for someone else when you are unable to get the care that you need. You can speak to a counselor to deal with your own feelings about this change, as well as any concerns you may have related to your son.

In regards to his father, let him know that his dad loves him even when he is not physically present. This is a difficult but very important idea to understand for little kids. I recommend a book called The Invisible String (which you can order online); you may also want to check out the read-along of this book on YouTube.

The key things to communicate to him:

Dad still loves him and he will see him on FaceTime;
Sometimes grownups who are married separate even when they have children together and each parent will continue to take care of him just in different ways; and
Mom is sad and upset but will feel better eventually.

The key things to avoid:

Putting your son in the middle. For example, try to avoid making him feel that you are feeling worse when he talks to dad. You want to try to communicate being happy when he is able to talk to his dad.
Exposing him to the extent of your grief. What I mean by this is exposing him to very intense manifestations of grief. He can know that you are sad and working on figuring things out, but he should also be protected from intense reactions to ensure he feels safe and secure.

Related to the tantrums: how great that you have started figuring out how to curb them! We have a tantrum assessment if you would like additional information regarding his tantrums.

Regarding hitting and throwing: show him how to express being upset or joyful in other ways (like words or hugs), and also remember that if you feel this is getting worse, Little Otter is here to help with more resources and support.