How Can I Navigate My Addiction While Co-Parenting Daughter?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to addiction and parental separation. Please take care when reading.
One father wrote to us with a poignant question about how to be a “good” father while struggling with addiction. Here is his question, and an answer from our team of child mental health experts.
“I have a 6-year-old daughter. Her mom and I are co-parenting; her mother is her custodial parent and I had custody on the weekends. It’s been that way for over a year, until a few months ago, when I hit a rough patch and fell back into using drugs.
Since I started using, she has taken away my time with our daughter, which I mostly understand. I still talk with her almost every night on FaceTime. She misses me a lot and wants to see me.
I feel like I should still be allowed a visit with her every week or two, supervised by her mom. Her mom says it's more damaging and harder on her if I get those visits, because it reopens the wound of wanting to see me. She says it’s easier and better for our daughter mentally if we don't have visits.
Which is the better option? Of course I want to see my daughter, but while I work on getting sober again and picking myself back up, I also don't want to make things harder on her than they already are.”
- B., Washington
Thanks for your question! I am sorry that you hit a rough patch and I am glad that you are working on your health now.
Regarding your question: without knowing about possible attorney involvement with your ex, or information about how close you live to one another, here are some of my thoughts:
It’s important that everyone is honest with your daughter, explaining that Dad is sick—not Covid, and she can’t catch it—and this makes it hard for him to be around other people.
He is working to get healthy and this is why you are not spending weekends together. I do believe it could be good for your daughter to have supervised visits with you (at intervals to be decided respectfully with your ex and attorneys, if appropriate), but only if:
1. You are sober during visitations.
This is important for many reasons, not least that intoxication would make you seem strange or different to your child.
2. You and your ex agree to work through your difficulties.
For example, you and your ex may need to address any issues that could complicate the situation (e.g., your history of substance use during the relationship, past disappointments, etc.). Working this out may require help from a third party.
3. You are attuned to your child and what is going on in her head.
With little kids, it's often enough to give them prompts such as: "there was once a little rabbit who used to see his dad every weekend and then she did not because her daddy got sick. Sometimes the little rabbit was mad and sometimes the little rabbit was sad." You can observe if she likes this story, changes the topic, or doesn't seem to pay attention. If she likes the story, you can ask her to tell you what the little rabbit wanted to tell her dad. Don't push it, and don’t react defensively if she gets emotional.
At her age, she is probably feeling deep down that this change has to do with her, so it's important to reassure her that you love her and that you are making every effort to get things back to normal.
Thank you for reaching out to Little Otter and best wishes to you and your family.
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