Does My Child Need Help Coping with Divorce?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with worries related to parental separation, breakups, and divorce. Please take care when reading.
One father shared their worries about his son’s behavior after a separation and imminent divorce. Here is their question, and an answer from our team of child mental health experts.
“My wife and I have been separated for 18 months and are now awaiting a divorce hearing. Our son spends time with both parents, and attends daycare. I’m concerned with how our child is coping with the divorce. He doesn’t seem to be his happy self.
Lately, he’s stopped eating meals at daycare and eats very little with me. He says, ‘Mommy has cheese at home for me.’ He also walks around the house saying all the time, ‘I need to call Mommy.’
Also, when cuddling, I asked him, ‘Do you love Daddy?’ He replied happily, ‘No Daddy, no Grampa, no Gramma, only Mommy.’ However, he does seem glad to see me when I pick him up from daycare, telling other children ‘That’s my Daddy.’
Mother is not receptive to these conversations. What can I do? I want what's best for him.”
- S., Florida
Thank you for reaching out to Little Otter.
In reading your question several additional questions come to mind:
What kind of conversations have been had with him about separation and divorce?
What is the percentage of time he currently spends with each parent?
How many hours of the day is he in daycare?
What days and times is he in daycare?
What time of day is his meal refusal?
What food is being offered to him during these times?
Is there a routine around mealtime?
Are others eating with him?
Without these answers, I can only give general feedback.
First, at your son's age, when major life changes occur like parents getting divorced, changes in living arrangements, the amount of time a child spends with each parent, etc. it is not uncommon to see changes in behavior.
During this time, children are trying to understand what is happening, why things are changing, and what that means for them. These changes can cause big feelings that may be expressed in a number of ways.
Here’s what I would suggest to help better understand how he may feel about the divorce:
Try discussing with your son, in an age appropriate way, how he is feeling about these changes and what he thinks they mean, depending on his ability to verbalize his feelings.
If he is able to tell you how he feels, validate his feelings and let him know that it's okay to feel the way he does.
Another thing that can be helpful at his age is reading a book about divorce together and discussing it with him by connecting the character's experience to his own.
Regarding his refusal to eat, it is not uncommon at his age to refuse foods in general as his palette is just developing, so he may eat one thing one day and refuse it the next. One thing that may be helpful is making a routine around meal time, allowing him to help with preparing food, having a special plate or bowl he gets to eat from, and then eating with him so you are modeling healthy eating habits.
To address your concerns around his verbalization of love, when small children speak they do not understand the gravity of the words they are saying in the same way adults do. I invite you to look at his words through his world view. If he says “I love Mommy” while spending time with her, this could be something that makes her smile or engage with him in some way that he likes. He may be hoping for similar engagement from you, not understanding those same words don’t mean the same thing to you. Also, you may give him a reaction when he answers in that way that he thinks is funny or is predictable.
The most important thing for him is that he feels and understands that he is safe and loved.
It will be helpful for you and his mother to align as much as possible on consistent messaging about what is happening and what it means for him, as well as providing him with as much consistency in schedule and routine as possible.
Research indicates that an amicable relationship between parents during and after divorce does not seem to increase the risk of poor psychological outcomes in children; however, that’s not true if the divorce is contentious. As long as parents are working together, and where communication is civil, respectful, and kind, children seem to tolerate divorce well. It’s also important that children be able to see and spend time with each parent.
Take care and best wishes to you and your son during this transition.
Additional Resources
[Blog] “How Can I Help My Kids Cope with My Recent Divorce?”
[Blog] “Should I Should I Worry About My Daughter Going Back-and-Forth Between Mine and Her Father’s House?”
[Blog] Should Unhappy Parents Stay in a Loveless Marriage for a Child?
[Blog] “What are the Psychological Effects of Parental Separation on a Child?”
Emily’s Blue Period, by Cathleen Daly on Amazon
Do you have a question you’d like to ask a child psychologist?
Submit your questions here. Remember, you can choose to remain anonymous if you’d prefer.
