This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a dad asking about whether it would be okay to bribe his child to get a haircut. Below is the question, and a response from our child mental health experts:

“Is it bad to bribe my 6-year-old? I never have before, but I really want him to get a haircut and he wants to grow long hair. He refuses to have it cut when I ask him, so I was thinking I would bribe him to do it for some candy or a video game. It would just be a one time thing but I'm unsure if there will be any long term implications. What do you think?”

- J., Ontario

Thank you for contacting Little Otter!

My first question is to ask you to clarify for yourself: what is your opposition to his hair growth?

Is his hair obscuring his vision? Is it a matter of preference for you because you think he looks unruly? (This is very common in fathers, so I understand.) Do you not like how it looks for other reasons?

Other questions to clarify: Does your child have any fears related to cutting his hair? Even a six-year-old can have idiosyncratic fears about hair cutting, and it would be important to clarify that.

A bribe is different than offering a reward, like going to the playground or getting ice cream after the hair cut, if he’s a little anxious about the haircut. In that case: it is not a bribe. You are simply introducing a reasonable reward incentive to engage in something that requires mastery of his fear.

However, if he loves having long hair and has no problem seeing because of overly long bangs, then perhaps a compromise is in order: you can both talk to each other about a win/win solution whereby perhaps the hairdresser can give him a less unkempt look but at the same time, leave his hair long enough for his taste.

If it’s a matter of opposed preferences for the both of you, the problem with the bribe is that you are choosing your subjective preference over your child's.

You’re correct that bribing your child to not be himself - someone who has preferences, tastes, likes and dislikes, including aesthetic ones - is not advisable, even as a one-time thing.

It sends a message that your acceptance/love/rewards are conditional on him repressing himself, and I would not recommend that.

If there is an underlying other issue that you are not mentioning (ie. your child wanting to look feminine), then what I wrote above is even more important.

Please remember that Little Otter is available with many resources for parents, families and children, and that we provide rapid turn around services, should you have other concerns or questions or should my answer be insufficient to help you move ahead comfortably with this situation.

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