Should I Worry About My 5-Year-Old’s Tantrums?
Tantrums can be concerning for both kids and for adults! In this post, you’ll learn about 5-year-old tantrums from our team of child mental health experts - and when to worry.
Temper tantrums, particularly if they involve angry words or aggressive actions, can be cause for concern. As your child grows up, you might be saying to yourself, “Should I be worried about these tantrums?” or even “I thought we’d be done with tantrums by now!” The truth is, tantrums are one of the most common parenting concerns - and one of the most common things we get asked about.
In this blog, you’ll learn all about 5-year-old temper tantrums, and get access to even more research.
In this article, our team of child mental health experts will weigh in on:
What are temper tantrums?
Temper tantrums are sudden expressions of big feelings that bubble up and get out of control.
As your child grows up, they’re developing the skills they need to self-regulate, communicate, and control their impulses. However, these skills take time to develop.
Anger, frustration, fears, worries, sadness, hunger, tiredness, overwhelm, and changes in routine can trigger temper tantrums, but sometimes, they just seem to come out of nowhere! Tantrums typically indicate that a child is trying to communicate something through their behavior. Being in tune with your child’s feelings can help you anticipate tantrums, but sometimes, tantrums are unavoidable. Later, you’ll learn tips for responding to temper tantrums when they occur.
If you’re interested in learning more about tantrums generally, here are a few resources that can help:
A Complete Guide to Temper Tantrums [Detailed Guide]
Are My Kid’s Tantrums Abnormal? [New York Times]
Dr. Helen Egger, Little Otter’s Co-Founder, spoke with the New York Times about how to tell if your child’s tantrums are abnormal, and shared her research about whether aggressive tantrums indicate a mental health concern.
The article explains that, “if your child has severe tantrums nearly every day, and those tantrums include kicking, hitting, biting or breaking things, he or she is eight times more likely to have a disorder, according to Dr. Egger’s research.”
What causes 5-year-old tantrums?
Just like tantrums at other ages, 5-year-old temper tantrums are all about feelings. Young children don’t yet have the verbal skills or impulse control to effectively manage their feelings. However, as children grow up, they gain these skills and the frequency and intensity of tantrums will typically decrease.
At around five years old, begin learning to express needs and emotions more constructively. Keep in mind that children who struggle to communicate thoughts or feelings verbally at this age may express that frustration as tantrums.
To really understand why your child is having tantrums, you need to become a tantrum detective. Pay attention to the factors that may be contributing to tantrum. Ask yourself questions like:
How often do the tantrums occur?
What happens during the tantrum?
When do they happen?
Where do they happen?
Who do they happen with?
What are the triggers?
How long do they last?
What is happening in your child’s life and your family’s life?
How do you and other adults respond to your child's tantrums?
How are you doing?
To help you and your child, we need to learn together. Once we understand why your child’s tantrums are occurring, we can begin to build a plan to address them.
Are 5-year-old temper tantrums "normal"?
Yes, we expect 5-year-olds to have some tantrums. At this age, children have big feelings, and they’re still developing the skills they need to communicate and self-regulate.
Temper tantrums peak at age 2-3. In Little Otter co-founder Dr. Egger’s studies of preschool tantrums, 75% of 2-year-olds and 60% of 3-year-olds had at least one temper tantrum in the last month. The mean number of tantrums for 2-year-olds was 4 times a week and for 3-year-olds 5 times a week. Older preschoolers (ages 4 and 5) had a mean of 2 tantrums a week.
As children age, the frequency and severity of temper tantrums tends to decrease.
That said, we want to pay attention to tantrums that happen almost daily, are aggressive, and/or last longer than 20 minutes. These frequent, intense, and prolonged tantrums can be a sign of a mental health challenge. While they don’t tell us what’s happening, they’re an indication of your child’s distress and something worth looking into.
If you’re concerned that your 5-year-old’s temper tantrums may not be typical, here is a free online assessment that can help. Just answer three questions, and we’ll let you know if your child’s tantrums fall into the typical range for their age. While it’s no substitute for a formal evaluation with a child mental health professional, this online temper tantrum assessment is a valuable starting point for learning when to worry.
Start the free temper tantrum assessment for children aged 2-6:
A note about aggressive tantrums
While it’s not unusual for young children to kick, stomp, or curse during a tantrum, we expect to see children learn to replace these behaviors with better coping alternatives as they grow up. (Other coping alternatives might include taking a break or using words.)
When a child is having an aggressive tantrum, it’s important to ensure that they’re safe and that everyone (and everything) else in your family is safe, too. This article about toddler aggression may provide some additional context; it also provides 6 steps for responding to aggressive behavior in young children.
When we see tantrums that occur nearly every day and are aggressive, we start to worry. We call these frequent and aggressive tantrums a “mental health fever.” Like a physical fever, these “mental health fevers” are a sign that tells us that the child is distressed and may be experiencing an emotional or behavioral challenge. We need to know more to be able to help the child and help their family. We don’t know what is causing this “mental health fever,” but we need to learn more so we can help the child and their family.
Here are a few more resources about aggressive tantrums specifically that may be helpful:
How to respond to a 5-year-old temper tantrum
Here are a few recommendations for how to respond to your 5-year-old during a temper tantrum:
To support your child during a temper tantrum, you can offer the language to express what is happening, when you are able. For instance, you can say, “You are tired and it does not feel good at all.”
You can also model how to calm down when upset: taking deep breaths, counting to 5, asking for a break from the current task, etc.
It’s important to remain calm, as difficult as that can be. When you remain calm, you’ll be able to help your child be calm.
Do your best to empathize with your child and show compassion. Tantrums are upsetting for parents, but they’re also upsetting for children. It doesn’t feel good when your emotions are out of control. Growing up and learning so many new skills can be hard.
Many parents ask us about whether they should ignore a temper tantrum. The reality is that it depends. In some cases, and only when you can guarantee safety, selectively giving your attention may be the right path. Learn more about whether and how to “ignore” a temper tantrum in this detailed post.
What not to do during a temper tantrum
Here are a few things to avoid when your child is having a temper tantrum:
Don’t ask your little one to “use their words.” At the peak of this emotional storm, they simply can’t!
Likewise, don’t try to reason with your child when they’re overwhelmed.
Don’t get upset yourself. This is incredibly difficult, but tends to escalate big feelings even further.
Shame and blame yourself or your child. These big feelings tend to be counterproductive.
Bartering with your child. Unfortunately, this can inadvertently incentivize big behavior.
Tantrums are challenging. If you find yourself at your wits end - even if your child’s tantrums are in the expected range - it may make sense to seek extra support. After all, parent and child wellbeing are connected.
When to worry about 5-year-old tantrums
As you learned earlier, we want to pay attention to tantrums that are:
Frequent, occurring nearly every day or more.
Aggressive, including hitting, kicking, biting, breaking things, or other intense acts.
Prolonged, lasting 20 minutes or more.
Persistent. Typically, children’s tantrums become less intense and less frequent as they get older. If that’s not happening, we want to pay attention.
Frequent and aggressive tantrums are sometimes called a “mental health fever.” Like a high temperature, these “mental health fevers” may signal that the child’s distress and indicate an emotional or behavioral challenge. At this point, we need to know more via a formal evaluation to be able to help the child and help their family.
If you’re looking for a little more insight before reaching out to a child mental health professional, you may be interested in our online temper tantrum assessment for children 2-6 years old:
Take the free, online tantrum assessment
Little Otter also offers a free temper tantrum assessment for children aged 2-6. By answering 3 short questions, you’ll immediately gain insight into whether your child’s tantrums are typical, or if it’s time to seek support.
If you are interested in individualized or more specific support for both you and your child, you can reach out to Little Otter - we are always happy to help.
Additional Resources
In this article, you’ll learn what causes toddler bedtime tantrums, how to respond to night tantrums, tips to prevent bedtime meltdowns, and when to worry.