This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. It deals with subjects related to depression and negative self-talk. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a parent wondering whether their sensitive son’s negative self-talk is a signal of depression. Below is the question, and a response from one of our child mental health experts:

“My 6.5-year-old son is a sensitive child who sometimes cries for non-serious problems. He was doing okay—he was calm, easy to talk to, expressing and receiving love—but this has changed.

We recently relocated and came back to our main country where both my parents and family and his dad’s parents and family live. (His father isn’t with us.) He was very happy in the beginning, then suddenly he started saying ‘No one loves me, I’m silly, I’m the worst boy ever.’ When I asked him if someone told him that, he said no. If we punish him for bad behavior, such as by not letting him go somewhere or have something he wants, he says he feels unloved.

He’s also close to a younger 4.5-year-old boy who appears nervous, says bad words, and seems to try to control my son by yelling at him. The boy sometimes shouts, ‘You will do what I want!’ but my son refuses.

I’m worried that he is depressed, and I need some advice. Can you help?”

- Anonymous

Thank you for your questions. It sounds like your son is starting to say negative things about himself “no one loves me, I’m the worst boy ever” after doing something wrong and receiving a consequence from you, his father, or grandparents. It appears that your son is voicing his internal feelings/experiences out loud. 

When you are giving him a consequence he is likely thinking, “I am getting a punishment so I must be bad, the worst, etc.” 

An important thing to remember at this stage of development is that you may need to help your son distinguish between “being a bad person” and “his behavior being inappropriate.” You still love him and he is a good person, even when he doesn’t listen when he is told to pick up his toys. The consequence is for not picking up the toys, not because he is a bad child. 

You may need to make statements like this to help him when he is getting a consequence. This behavior is not depression, but rather your son learning to distinguish the difference between his actions and your unconditional love for him. 

I also wonder when his father left. If his father’s absence is new, it could be that your son feels like he is “bad” or “not loved” because his dad is no longer there. He may feel that there was something he did to cause his dad to be absent right now. If you feel this is the case, I recommend the following books to help your son remember that he is loved even if his dad is not near: Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman and The Invisible String by Patrice Karst.

It also sounds like you might be worried about your son’s friend who is 4 ½ years old. From what you say above, your son is expressing himself appropriately and setting limits by saying, “no.” You may want to have a conversation with your son to see if he enjoys playing with this particular friend. If it is stressful for him, and he doesn’t like the way he is being treated, it may be best to decrease contact. However, if he is enjoying playing with his friend, and you are not noticing any negative impact from the relationship, then you can leave it open for your son to let you know if something changes in the future.

Take care and please reach out if you additional questions!

Additional Resources

• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

• Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman

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