What Can We Do About Our 3-Year-Old’s Constant Tantrums?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to tantrums. Please take care when reading.
We recently received a question from a parent who was worried about their three-year-old daughter’s frequent tantrums. Below is the question, and a response from one of our child mental health experts:
“My almost 3-year-old screams and cries constantly. Everything has to go exactly her way; if not, she tantrums.
Most of the time, this lasts all day. For example, we can't open or close doors without her wanting to do it, so she screams. We can't flush the toilet without her screaming. We can't get out of bed without her. We can't serve food without her. We can't throw away trash because she has to. She wants to do everything herself, and if she doesn't get to, then she screams and cries. Most of the time we have to carry her places otherwise she gets angry.
When she was younger, 11-18 months old, she would scream until she passed out from not breathing if we walked by without picking her up. Her pediatrician said she would grow out of it, but she has not yet.
We have a family of 7, and she's the only one that acts this way. Should we be worried, and is it time to talk to someone?
- N., Tennessee
Thank you for reaching out. It does sound like your daughter is struggling to regulate her emotions, and I am sorry because it seems like at a minimum, this has been a very challenging year for your family.
Developmentally, it is perfectly typical for a 3-year-old to tantrum, scream, and cry. Over the years I have worked with a number of families who swear that the “terrible twos” are a misnomer, and it should really be the “terrible threes.” At any rate, given your daughter’s age, it is expected that she engage in tantrums.
However, the tantrum behavior that you describe above is excessive and persistent.
It sounds like your daughter tantrums most of the day, and that this has been occurring since she was 11 months old, when she would scream to be held. Given the fact that the tantrums have persisted and not abated, I would schedule an appointment with your pediatrician, who may wish to complete an evaluation, and may also refer you to an early childhood mental health specialist.
In addition to speaking with your pediatrician, you may be interested in Little Otter’s free, online temper tantrum assessment. It takes about five minutes to complete, and will provide you with more visibility into your child’s tantrums and tips for managing them:
Additional Resources
Free Temper Tantrum Assessment: Learn When to Worry about Your Child’s Temper Tantrums
All About Toddler Aggression: When to Worry and How to Respond [Blog]
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