How Can I Help My 12-Year-Old Manage His Anxiety?

Ask a Child PsychologistSchool Anxiety & StressAnxiety & Worries

Aug 8

This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to anxiety. Please take care when reading.

One parent recently wrote in asking about how to help their son deal with anxiety that appears to be triggered by school. Here’s a response from Little Otter’s team of experts.

“My 12-year-old son has been diagnosed with moderate anxiety by his doctor, and school work seems to trigger his anxiety. He’s often so emotionally overwhelmed that he’s unable to do school work. He’s doing distance learning and doesn't have many opportunities to interact with friends in person very often.
We’ve tried some counseling to help him with his anxieties, but it isn't helping him so far. I often don't know how hard to push with school work, because he’s clearly in lots of distress. How can I support my son in his school work and help him feel calm at the same time?”
- E., Utah

Thank you for reaching out. Your son is not alone in finding his anxiety worsened by the challenges of online learning (e.g., fewer peer interactions, unfamiliar modality, etc.). It’s great that you have sought help for your son through an evaluation by his doctor and some counseling.

There are specific forms of therapy that are very helpful for anxiety, in particular Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

However, even if this is the approach that his counselor is using, the time it takes to benefit from CBT is often measured in months rather than days or weeks. There are also factors that complicate anxiety, and your son may benefit from a comprehensive evaluation, if he has not yet had one. This would reveal other factors such as attention or specific learning styles which may be contributing to his anxiety.

It is entirely possible that there is more than one factor leading to him being overwhelmed. For example, many kids have attention difficulties and anxiety or depression. Also, if your son has difficulty labeling his emotions, counseling may not be as helpful as other modalities of treatment for his anxiety. This is something that a comprehensive evaluation will clarify.

In terms of what you can do:

Validate that online learning is hard. Use humor (important at your son’s age) to de-dramatize the situation: his learning situation is not ideal, just temporary, and he will soon be back in the classroom. Help him understand that you are more concerned about his well being than about his school performance. Reassure him that he will have the summer to catch up.
Start every day with some breathing exercises that will help your son regulate his emotions. I recommend “boxed” breathing, so called because there are four components like the four sides of a box: 1-Inhale through nose slowly for five seconds; 2-Hold breath for five seconds; 3-Exhale through mouth slowly for five or six seconds (it’s okay to prolong it a bit, as it can be more helpful); 4-Hold breath again. Repeat 4 times.
Come up with a plan for when he gets overwhelmed. Discover which things can help him calm down. Encourage him to step away until he calms down, rather than getting stuck in a cycle of frustration.

Please remember that Little Otter offers resources such as parent coaching to support the development of your child and referrals to specialized services, as needed.

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