Temper Tantrums and Your Child’s Mental Health
Temper tantrums are one of the ways kids tell us how they’re doing. In this post, you’ll learn what a tantrum is, and what it means for your child’s mental health.
Social and emotional development in early childhood is the foundation for all healthy development throughout your child’s life, including physical health, learning, and mental health. Early childhood mental health is important for all children. Tantrums are an important weathervane for your child’s mental health.
In this article, you’ll gain answers to common concerns, including:
At Little Otter we want to help you promote your child’s mental health by creating responsive and nurturing environments for your child. This post is one way for us to do that.
What is early childhood mental health?
Early childhood mental health is the developing capacity of a child from birth to 6 years old to form close and secure relationships with adults and kids; to experience, manage, and express a full range of emotions; and to explore and learn.
The foundation for life-long mental health is built in early childhood.
If we can identify mental health concerns early, we can help to get children back on the pathway to healthy development.
We can prevent children from developing mental health challenges by addressing early signs or experiences that increase their risk. We can also provide specialized treatment for young children who are already showing symptoms of mental health challenges and their families.
What are temper tantrums?
Temper tantrums are sudden expressions of anger or other emotions.
During early childhood, kids are learning how to meet the challenges of daily life. They’re gaining and practicing new skills every day, and sometimes this can lead to some uncomfortable, overwhelming feelings.
But without the ability to express themselves verbally or the impulse control to manage their behavior, these big feelings can bubble over into what we call temper tantrums. These outbursts are one of the ways young children tell us how they are feeling inside.
The tantrum peak is between 2 and 3 years old. If your two-year-old tantrums daily, here’s an in-depth article full of guidance about when to worry and how to respond.
Why do children have temper tantrums?
Temper tantrums are all about feelings. They occur when big feelings overwhelm your child, and their emotions and behaviors get out of control. Anger, frustration, fears, worries, sadness, hunger, tiredness, and changes in routines are common tantrum triggers. But sometimes a tantrum just comes out of the blue.
Toddlers (2 and 3 year olds) have twice as many tantrums as preschoolers (4 to 5 year olds). As kids grow, they get better at manging their negative emotions and behaviors. Here’s some additional advice for 5-year-old tantrums.
While they are upsetting for kids and parents alike, almost every child will experience tantrums during the toddler years. They are a sign that your child is entering a new stage of development and learning to navigate uncomfortable emotions and behaviors. Fortunately, this stage won’t last forever! As your child grows, tantrums will likely become less frequent.
There are situations that are more likely to spark a tantrum, like transitions, the end of something fun, and mealtimes. Bedtime is one of those particularly common tantrum triggers. If you’re facing that challenge, here are a few additional resources that can help:
What is an atypical tantrum?
We want to pay close attention to tantrums that happen nearly every day and that are aggressive—when a child hits, kicks, bites others or themselves, and/or breaks things during the tantrum—are concerning. We call these frequent and aggressive tantrums a “mental health fever.”
Like a fever when kids are physically ill, these “mental health fevers” are a sign that tells us that the child is distressed and may be experiencing an emotional or behavioral challenge. We don’t know what is causing this “mental health fever,” so we need to know more to be able to help the child and the family.
If you’re worried about your child’s tantrums, here are some signs that it might be time to seek some outside help:
Tantrums happen nearly every day.
The tantrums start or become aggressive — when a child hits, kicks, bites others or themselves and/or breaks things during the tantrum. (Learn more about toddler aggression here.)
Tantrums continue frequently past the peak age (2-3 years old).
Temper tantrums happen in a variety of settings both in and out of the home.
These temper tantrums occur with parents or caregivers AND other adults.
Again, these are signs that your family may benefit from additional guidance. These kinds of “mental health fevers” signal that something is going on, but they don’t tell us what. Talking to an expert can help determine if more support is needed, and if so, what that might look like.
How to anticipate a temper tantrum
Here are a few recommendations that can help you learn to anticipate and even avoid a temper tantrum:
Being in tune with your child’s emotions can help you anticipate tantrums. Taking time to attune to your child’s feelings throughout the day will give you a sense of when their feelings are becoming “big” and a tantrum might be coming. This insight can give you the opportunity to intervene - before things escalate.
Investigate what triggers your child’s tantrums. And then plan. If your child has tantrums when they are hungry, be sure to bring snacks when you go out. We’ll share more tips for becoming a tantrum detective later.
Keep in mind that stress usually increases tantrums. Kids who are tired, hungry, overstimulated, or facing a new situation are more likely to have tantrums. While it may not be possible to prevent every tantrum, understanding your child’s triggers and creating a plan ahead of time will help you navigate them. For example, if you notice that your child frequently has tantrums when they are hungry, you might bring snacks when you go out.
Try to allow your child a sense of agency. You may want to try to give your child a sense of agency and control when possible. Offer age-appropriate choices such as “Do you want to wear your blue socks or your red socks?” or “Do you want grapes or a banana?”
Unfortunately, you can’t avoid every tantrum. We’ll share more about what to do when your child is having a tantrum next.
What to do during a tantrum
Tantrums are emotional storms. Below are a few highlights of what to do when a child is having a tantrum:
Try to stay calm. Take some deep breaths. You may even need to leave the room for a minute. If you stay calm, you will be able to help your child become calm. You’ve got this!
If your child hits, bites, or kicks during a tantrum, the first thing is to keep your child safe. You may need to hold your child until they can calm down.
In some cases, it can make sense to not directly intervene. Here’s a detailed post and when and how to “ignore” a temper tantrum.
Validate their feelings, while holding the limit. At this stage of life, children don’t yet have the verbal skills or impulse control to reign it in. At this age, it’s the time to validate your child's feelings with statements like, “You want to keep playing and it doesn’t feel good to have to stop. I understand.”
When your child is having a tantrum, it’s not helpful to ask children to “use their words.” At the peak of the storm, they can’t!
We also recently shared some tips for how to stop a temper tantrum. Just like you can’t avoid every tantrum, you can’t stop every one either. However, sometimes these tips may help you bring the tantrum to a close.
In addition, we’ve published quite a few resources to help you respond to temper tantrums. Here are some of the most popular:
One last thought: tantrums are upsetting for parents. They are also upsetting for kids. It doesn’t feel good when your emotions are out of control! Try to have compassion for your child. Growing up can be hard!
How to talk to children about their feelings
Just like with adults, it’s also easier to talk about feelings when your child is calm and their feelings are manageable.
When your child is having a tantrum, it might be tempting to try to reason with or ask them to “use their words.” But during this emotional storm, they simply can’t! Instead, try to have that meaningful conversation after the emotional storm has passed.
How to be a tantrum detective
We need to be “tantrum detectives” to understand why your child is having tantrums. Here are ten questions about your child’s tantrums that will help us understand them:
How often do the tantrums occur?
What happens during the tantrum?
When do they happen?
Where do they happen?
Who do they happen with?
What are the triggers?
How long do they last?
What is happening in your child’s life and your family’s life?
How do you and other adults respond to your child's tantrums?
How are you doing?
To help you and your child, we need to learn together.
How to access Little Otter’s online temper tantrum assessment
When it comes to addressing early childhood mental health concerns like tantrums, early detection is key for preventing impairments later in life. The great news is that Little Otter has lots of ways to help children and families with tantrums big and small, as well as with other emotional and behavioral challenges. Little Otter is here for you every step of the way.
You know your child best. But sometimes it can be tough to tell the difference between typical, “terrible two” tantrums and something more concerning. Little Otter is here for you every step of the way.
Additional Resources
In this article, you’ll learn what causes toddler bedtime tantrums, how to respond to night tantrums, tips to prevent bedtime meltdowns, and when to worry.