How to Talk to Kids about Gender Identity
Understanding and supporting your child’s understanding of their own gender and sexuality is important all year, not just during Pride Month! The truth is, all children explore their gender identity. It’s a healthy part of child development!
Today, we’re sharing guidelines for how to talk to your child about gender identity and gender expression.
Plus, you’ll also learn some basic terminology that can empower you, as a parent or caregiver, to engage in these conversations confidently.
Important Terminology about Gender and Sexuality
Sex and gender are sometimes used interchangeably. However, they refer to different things. Here are a few important terms to know when talking about and researching gender identity and exploration:
Sex Assigned at Birth: This is a medical classification of people as male, female, intersex, or another sex based on a combination of anatomy, hormones, and chromosomes.
Gender Identity: This is one’s internal sense of being male, female, neither of these, both, or another gender(s). Everyone has a gender identity, including you.
Gender Expression: This is the outward expression of gender identity through clothing, hairstyle, voice, body shape, etc. This is shaped by cultural norms around what is feminine or masculine. Gender expression does not always correspond to gender identity. It's important to know you cannot know someone’s gender identity based on the way they look or behave.
Gender identity and expression are fluid and may change as children explore in the gender expression definition.
Scientific Information about Gender Identity Development
Gender identity typically develops in stages and is a healthy and typical aspect of child development. In fact, research shows that children begin learning about gender and sexuality very early! Here’s a little more detail about what you can expect at different ages:
Around Age 2: Children become conscious of the physical (sex) differences between boys and girls.
By Age 3: Most children can easily label themselves as either a boy or a girl.
By Age 4: Most children have a stable sense of gender identity.
Gender and sexuality are important parts of our identity. Kids need a safe and nurturing environment to explore gender and gender expression. Given that children begin to explore gender identity as early as 3 years of age, it’s important that children are supported in exploring different language, activities, interests, and behaviors - at home and at school.
Here are 6 FAQs about gender identity and expression, and expert guidance for how to support your child’s gender identity.
How to Talk to Kids about Gender Identity
It’s important to talk to your child about gender identity because it signals that you’re a safe and trusted adult to whom they can turn with worries and questions.
Talking to Your Young Child (Up to 5 Years Old)
Research shows that for very young children, gender identity is far less stable. It is developmentally typical for young children to express gender fluency and exploration. A young child’s expression of gender does not predict their gender identity or sexual orientation later in life.
Follow your child’s lead if and when they explore gender expression and identity. Use understated language when your child expresses statements about their gender identity. Rather than correcting your child’s language, try using inquiry to encourage further conversation and support active exploration.
Consider how your family may gender toys, for example, action figures or dolls. Toys aren’t inherently gendered.
Talking to Your School-Aged Child (6-11 Years Old)
School-aged children show more stability in their gender identity. If your school-aged child expresses statements about their gender identity or gender exploration, this is a time to open up a conversation with them more directly.
Try using a children’s book to open the conversation about gender, such as Julian is a Mermaid by Jessica Love. (Here are 4 LGBTQ+ books for kids.)
Be positive about their statements and listen to what they have to say about their gender. Let your child lead the conversation.
Talking to Your Older Child (11-14 Years Old)
Older children have a more advanced understanding of their own gender identity and expression. At this age, children will be experiencing puberty which will lead to changes in hormones and sex organs that can influence gender identity and expression.
Communicate love to your child. Your older child may have considered their exploration of gender for a while before speaking with you. Responding positively communicates safety and acceptance.
Educate yourself from trusted sources. The Trevor Project and The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens by Stephanie Brill & Lisa Kenney are good places to start.
Remember, the most important thing you can do in these conversations is to be honest.
Even if you're not sure what to say, something as simple as, "I'm here for you. I love you, and I will support you no matter what" is an important place to start.
How Can Little Otter Help?
Little Otter is an affirming and inclusive community serving gender-diverse children. We adhere to recommended best practices for serving non-conforming, gay, and questioning children.
Little Otter provides comprehensive and supportive services to children and families. Our team of mental health therapists can support your child as they may be exploring their gender identity, gender expression, or sexual orientation. We give kids and their entire families a safe space to grow and understand their true selves.
How? Our comprehensive mental health check-up and evidence-based evaluations assist in identifying your child’s and family's goals related to both gender identity and sexual orientation. Our mental health team will work with your child and family to build a greater understanding of gender and sexual identity while addressing mental health challenges that we know can accompany our LGBTQ+ communities such as anxiety, depression, non-suicidal self-injurious behaviors, and suicidal ideation.
As your family navigates your child’s unique journey, Little Otter is available for assessment, therapeutic services, and parenting support.
If you’d like additional support for family in discussing and exploring gender identity and sexuality, we offer parent coaching sessions as well as child and family therapy.
Additional Resources:
Guide to Being an Ally to Transgender and Non-Binary Youth - The Trevor Project
Glossary - PFLAG
6 FAQS about Supporting Your Child’s Gender & Sexual Identity - Little Otter
[Free Download] Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Gender Identity - Little Otter
[Blog] LGBTQ+ Books for Kids - Little Otter
