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There’s nothing quite like a big hug at the end of a long day. But hugs are also really important for our mental health.

In this blog, we’ll share more about why hugs are important for kids - and parents!

The truth is, humans have a biological need for touch. In addition to sharing the science behind how hugs support your family’s wellness, we’ll also share important reminders for consent, and what to do when your child doesn’t want to hug Grandma.

How do hugs and loving touch support our health?

Loving touch, including hugs, support our mental health because they let us physically communicate with others and strengthen our social connections and relationships. There’s also evidence that social isolation, loneliness, and a lack of physical contact can negatively impact both physical and mental health.

Research shows that loving touch helps lower our heart rate, enhance dynamic connections in the brain, and release hormones and neurotransmitters that support positive feelings.

Oxytocin is a key neurochemical that’s released during breastfeeding and hugs. It reduces stress and anxiety, slows heart rate, and increases feelings of connectedness. In early childhood, it facilitates bonding between mother and child. 

Gentle touches, like hugs, also improve sleep, reduce our reactivity to stress and build resilience, and increase immune responses. That’s a lot of positive benefits from a simple, sweet hug!

So how do hugs support a child’s development?

Hugs help children’s brain development, physical growth, emotional development, and emotional regulation. From the first moments of life, gentle touch and hugs are positive for both the baby and the parent. 

During those important first five years of life, when the architecture of the brain is being built, nurturing touch increases oxytocin receptors and lowers cortisol (the stress hormone).

Can you hug a child too much?

No, you can’t hug a child too much, unless they don’t want to be hugged.

The adage that “you’ll spoil your baby if you hold them too much” is simply nonsense. When you hold and hug your child, you’re helping them feel safe, loved, and secure. When you respond to your child’s distress with warm physical affection and hugs, you show them you’ll support them when they’re struggling with big feelings or difficult situations. You’re teaching them to develop empathy.

The only way you can hug a child too much is if they perceive hugs as intruding on their personal space, or interfering with their development or autonomy. 

It’s essential to support children who don’t want to hug or cuddle. We need to respect their wishes about their own bodies, and not force a child to hug if they don’t want to.

As children grow, they may not welcome hugs as much as when they were little. This is a typical part of developing independence. Anyone with a teenager knows that they don’t tend to love being hugged in public!

Why is consent so important for hugs?

Hugs are positive when they reflect love, trust, safety, and empathetic connection between the people hugging. Hugs are only positive when physical contact is desired by both people. 

The emotional tenor in a home - and in a hug - matters. 

Science shows that parents’ warmth and affection have positive long-term impacts on their children, including higher self-esteem, improved academic performance, good relationships, and fewer emotional and behavioral challenges. Children who experience coldness, withholding, criticism, judgment, or punitive parenting tend to have lower self-esteem, higher aggression and hostility, and increased rates of mental health challenges.

What can you do if your child doesn’t like to be hugged?

There are a few different reasons why children might not like to be hugged, including:

• Hypersensitivity

• Negative experience with physical touch.

• Disturbance in the parent-child relationship.

First, let’s take a look at hypersensitivity. Kids are born with different physiological reactions to touch. Some are more sensitive, while others are less so. 

Some children, including children with developmental disorders or disabilities, are hypersensitive to touch. For them, touch can be experienced negatively. Touch may trigger an overreaction, and send the child into fight or flight mode. Kids who are hypersensitive to touch might have physiological and emotional responses that make them experience touch as threatening or irritating.

If your child is hypersensitive to touch, parenting will be about learning what feels good to your child. Try to tune into what calms your child, and helps them feel loved, accepted, and safe. Some children may be calmed by deep pressure touch, like a weighted blanket. If your child doesn’t like hugs, see if they enjoy or welcome other types of touch, like a high-five, stroking their hair, or patting their back. It’s also important to tell your child how much you love them for who they are.

Children who have had negative physical experiences in the past, like painful medical procedures or child abuse, may associate touch with fear, danger, and pain.

Sometimes, a challenging relationship with a parent can also make touch more difficult and less positive.

What if your child doesn’t want to hug grandparents or other close friends or family?

We often expect children to greet loved ones with a hug or a kiss. And while affection is important, it’s just as important to make sure that children know their bodies are their own, no matter the situation. This is called body autonomy, and is an important lesson for children to learn.

That means that children can choose not to give a hug or a kiss, and are allowed to give permission for people to touch them. 

Here are some additional tips for navigating physical touch with loved ones:

• Talk to your child (and other family members) before an event or gathering. Having a conversation about body boundaries before a gathering is a great way to teach your child that they always have a choice about their bodies and how to use them. 

• Offer your child words or alternatives. You can advocate for your young child or teach school-age children to respond to a request for a hug or kiss by offering a high-five, handshake, or fist bump if that’s what they would prefer.

You can use language like, “You’re allowed to say no to hugs.” or “It’s your body. You get to decide if you want to give Grandma a hug. Do you want to give her an elbow bump or high five instead?”

Looking for additional support? Little Otter is a comprehensive platform for wellness and mental health, supporting the whole family with everything from tools in daily life to personalized online mental healthcare for kids 0-14. Our app offers child therapy, child psychiatry, couples counseling, and parenting support to support every member of your family.