It’s that magical time of year again, when we get a chance to celebrate family and the season. But if your family traditions involve make-believe characters like Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, or others, you may be wondering how to approach these topics with your child.

So how old is too old to believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy? And what’s a good way for parents to talk to children about it?

Our team of child mental health experts and family therapists provided their thoughts and practical advice. So let’s jump in.

Why are childhood figures like the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus important?

Imaginary figures like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny inhabit a special space in many of our childhood experiences and memories. They can also serve an important function for healthy child development.

Make-believe, magical thinking, and play are fundamental to social emotional and cognitive development. Imagination is one of the tools children use to explore, learn and develop knowledge about the world, others, and themselves, and build their capacities across all developmental domains. 

It’s very important for parents and caregivers to realize that Santa and other imaginary figures aren’t “lies” you’re telling your children. 

Engaging in make-believe with our children is not lying or betraying their trust. The reason that Santa and other imaginary characters are embraced so widely is that they are developmentally appropriate vehicles for engaging with children’s capacity for imagination and make believe. These characters and their stories are a door that enables grown-ups to enter into a child’s world of imagination and magic. They’re opportunities for us to connect with our children’s imaginations, and play make-believe with them. 

It’s not just about imaginary figures like Santa; many children also believe their favorite stuffed animal, doll, TV show character, or story character is real, too. (Think about how many children’s books are about inanimate things that are real: Winnie the Pooh, Stuart Little, Velveteen Rabbit, and Paddington Bear, to name a few.)

It’s also common for children to have imaginary friends. One study of almost 2,000 children aged 5-12 found that 46% of them reported having or having had imaginary friends. (Eldest children and only children are more likely to have an imaginary friend.) Having a strong imagination isn’t a measure of creativity; there’s no difference in creativity or challenges between kids with or without an imaginary friend. Instead, it’s a reflection of how common a strong imaginary world is for young children. 

Young children are imaginative, and don’t have a clear line between what is real versus make-believe. Engaging in playtime that encourages imagination is a way to connect with young children, and share in their magical thinking.

How old is too old to believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny?

You might be asking, “When do I need to tell my child that Santa isn’t real?” The key issue isn’t when to tell them, but paying attention to see when they’re ready to understand. Follow your child’s lead. Just as kids give you signals when they're ready to give up Santa, they also let you know when they're not. If your child isn't ready to hear the truth, they simply won't accept it.

When children start asking questions about make-believe characters, listen carefully. 

As an adult, you might assume that they’re questioning whether the character is real. However, from a child’s perspective, they might just be expressing curiosity about how the magical world works. For example, “How does Santa get to every child’s house in one night?” might not be a probing question about “reality,” but rather about “logic” in the imaginary world. “He has a magic sled,” might be the answer they’re looking for.

When your child asks questions, consider asking in return, “Why are you asking?” or “What do you think?” This gives you entry into their thinking, and lets you assess whether they are ready to question or give up the magic of Santa or another make-believe character.

When you notice that your child is realizing Santa or other magical characters aren’t real, and they begin asking you questions, tell them the truth. 

As a parent, remind yourself that you’re not “breaking the news.” You’re making yourself available for when your child no longer believes the magic. If you think your child is questioning, then respond to their questions. But also be gentle and accepting – your older child might both believe and not believe, holding onto a glimmer of belief instead of giving up the magic completely. As is so true in life, Santa and magical characters are not about truth but about feelings.

In many cases, a child’s peers will be the “truth-tellers.” If and when this happens, listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings in a curious, open-ended way to understand their readiness to accept the perspective of their peers. 

When your child is ready, think about how to convert the belief in Santa or another magical character into an expression of the holiday spirit or important milestone. You might share that the rituals associated with Santa are just one way of expressing the joy of giving and your love for them. If you have younger kids, consider letting the older ones be responsible for stuffing stockings and being Santa's helper. The magic of Santa is also about the joy of surprises and having wishes fulfilled, and everyone can take part in that. 

How can parents respond to big emotions when children discover beloved imaginary figures don’t exist?

Just because Santa isn’t real doesn’t mean that the magic of the holidays and the joy of our imaginations is over. Of course, this magic and joy is the very essence of make-believe! 

Every child will react differently when they discover that an imaginary character isn’t real. Some will be matter-of-fact, while others will have big feelings.

Remember, these stories and characters aren’t lies; they’re an expression of the magic of a child’s imagination and our love for our kids, as well as a portal into their rich make-believe world. Help them understand this by: 

1. Being non-judgemental. It’s okay for your child to feel upset. As a parent, your job is only to listen, acknowledge, accept, and empathize with your child’s feelings - not tell them how or what to feel. Children are able to process emotions when they have a strong relationship with parents or other caring adults.

2. Creating new traditions that celebrate the spirit of the holiday or milestone. As we highlighted earlier, explain to your child that the rituals associated with Santa and other characters are just one way we express the joy of giving and our love. As children get older, these traditions can become part of your family story.

Take an empathetic approach that delights in the spirit of the characters and what they represent. That can help reframe your child’s understanding, and help them see that the magic isn’t in the character itself, but in our relationships to each other.

We wish you and your family a joyful holiday season! If you have any questions, or would like additional support for your family, we’re here for you.

Join Little Otter or get the Holiday Mental Health Check-Up for your family today!