How Should I Handle My 4 Year Old’s Tantrums?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to temper tantrums and bed wetting. Please take care when reading.
Although tantrums in 4 year olds are common, these outbursts can be incredible difficult to navigate. One parent wrote in to ask about their 4-year-old daughter’s tantrums, asking when to worry and how to respond. Here’s the question, and the answer from our team of child mental health professionals:
“My 4-year-old daughter (soon to be 5!) throws major tantrums, and finds to difficult to listen or complete a task. She has started wetting herself and the bed. She has a younger one-year-old sibling. How should I handle these tantrums? Should I be worried?”
- N., South Africa
Thank you for reaching out to Little Otter to get support for your daughter.
It is completely normal for a four-year-old or five-year-old to tantrum. Children often tantrum as a way of expressing their big feelings when they are overwhelmed. The good news is that children’s tantrums typically dissipate over time, as children begin learning to express needs and emotions more constructively.
While it is natural for a four- or five-year-old to have tantrums, what would be important to know is their frequency, intensity, and duration.
If your daughter is experiencing multiple, intense, prolonged, inconsolable tantrums, you may want to mention it to your primary care provider. They would be able to determine if there is a medical reason for her distress.
Little Otter also offers a free temper tantrum assessment for children aged 2-6. By answering 3 short questions, you’ll immediately gain insight into your daughter’s tantrums.
If her tantrums are not extreme, it will still be important to learn more about what types of situations cause her to feel such emotional overwhelm. When we understand the reason for the tantrum, we are better able to intervene early, before the child is too upset to respond to our efforts.
For example, if your daughter has an increased tendency to tantrum when she is unable to complete a task, you might see if you can break the task into smaller, more manageable steps, supporting and modeling for her until she is able to complete the task on her own.
Here is a blog all about how to deal with toddler tantrums that may provide additional insights.
You may also appreciate this complete guide to temper tantrums, designed to provide in-depth guidance about what a tantrum is, how to respond, and when to worry.
Just as tantrums are typical for four- and five-year-old children, so are challenges with bedwetting.
I would ask if your daughter is wetting the bed only at night, or does it also happen (during non-nap times) during the day? Bedwetting—both at night and during the day—is more common than most people realize.
I know it must be frustrating, as it sounds like your daughter had met her toileting milestones. But regression in bedwetting is common in young children, as are fluctuations in other skills or abilities during their development.
You might ask yourself if there has been a new stressor in your daughter’s life, or other changes in her immediate environment. If so, the bedwetting could be in response to her feelings, and supporting her so she feels safe and secure will be important.
If there are no identifiable changes or stressors, you may want to help her make modifications to her evening routine (e.g., drinking less water right before bed; scheduling more frequent bathroom breaks). If she has substantial wetting during the day, please mention this to her primary care doctor to make sure that he checks she does not have a urinary track infection.
Thank you for trusting us with your question.
Additional Resources
Free Temper Tantrum Assessment: Learn When to Worry about Your Child’s Temper Tantrums
A Complete Guide to Temper Tantrums [Detailed Guide]
All About Toddler Aggression: When to Worry and How to Respond [Blog]
Are My Kid’s Tantrums Abnormal? [New York Times]
Dr. Helen Egger, Little Otter’s Co-Founder, spoke with the New York Times about how to tell if your child’s tantrums are abnormal, and shared her research about whether aggressive tantrums indicate a mental health concern.
The article explains that, “if your child has severe tantrums nearly every day, and those tantrums include kicking, hitting, biting or breaking things, he or she is eight times more likely to have a disorder, according to Dr. Egger’s research.”
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