My Daughter Has Tantrums When I Return to Work. What Can I Do?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with worries related to tantrums and sibling rivalry. Please take care when reading.
One mom shared concerns about her child’s tantrums when she returned to work. Here is her question, and an answer from our team of child mental health experts.
“Since I returned to work, I’ve left my two children - a two-year old daughter and a 9-month-old son- with my mother and a babysitter. My daughter tends to cry more during the day and have tantrums if she wants to do something.
The most worrying thing is that she’s becoming more aggressive towards her little brother. When I come home, I can no longer take my baby boy in my arms or she’ll start crying her eyes out. She’s always the first that I greet with loving care and cuddles, and sometimes with little gifts, too, but it seems that it is not enough. Even on weekends when it’s just our family (mom, dad, and the kids), she wants to be the one and only. She screams a lot at me and keeps her brother away from me with “No! No! No!” and fits.
What can I do to change this situation? I know it’s a big change for her that I went back to work, but I don’t know how to help her accept this change and most of all how to stop her jealousy and make her include her little brother when I come home. Thank you!”
- M., Italy
Thank you for contacting Little Otter!
We know how difficult it can be to be a mom with many hats, trying to navigate the best approach to pour love and attention to all of your children in a way that is most meaningful for you. You are not alone!
It sounds like this kiddo is very young, just a toddler, and still very much sees herself as a part of you. She is not ready for that independence of you just yet. She honors and values that validating love and connection from mommy. That speaks to the beautiful job that you have done with making her feel safe, loved, and comforted. Nobody does it quite like you, so she is struggling with this transition.
At this little one's age, when major life changes occur like changes in living arrangements, the amount of time a child spends with each parent, etc., it is not uncommon to see changes in behavior as children are trying to understand what is happening, why things are changing, and what that means for them. These changes can cause big feelings that may be expressed in a number of ways - including tantrums, as you describe.
Your little one is not alone in having new siblings. Here are some thoughts/ideas to consider that other families in similar situations have found helpful:
If possible, use age-appropriate language to talk with this little one about the separation. Inquire how she feels about these changes, what she thinks they mean, and what worries she has.
Validate any feelings that come up and reassure her that the separation from mom while at work, or time sharing with brother, is not a reflection of her being less loved and that she still very important and special.
Another thing that can be helpful at her age is reading a book about being a big sister and discussing it her by connecting the character's experience to his own.
Define a role for her to help with things with baby brother that allow her to be in the same space as mommy. For example, rub baby's back or head when feeding, singing him songs at diaper changes, consoling him when upset, etc
The thing that is most important is for her to feel and understand that, despite this separation or time shift with mom, she is safe and loved.
It will be helpful for you and the other adults in her life to align as much as possible on consistent messaging about what is happening and what it means for her, as well as providing her with as much consistency in schedule and routine as possible.
Little Otter is also available in select states for evaluation and treatment support! If we’re not yet available in your area, your pediatrician is an excellent resource to connect you with local mental health professionals in your community.
Do you have a question you’d like to ask a child psychologist?
Submit your questions here. Remember, you can choose to remain anonymous if you’d prefer.
Additional Resources
Free Temper Tantrum Assessment: Learn When to Worry about Your Child’s Temper Tantrums, for Kids 2-6
A Complete Guide to Temper Tantrums [Detailed Guide]
All About Toddler Aggression: When to Worry and How to Respond [Blog]
Are My Kid’s Tantrums Abnormal? [New York Times]
Dr. Helen Egger, Little Otter’s Co-Founder, spoke with the New York Times about how to tell if your child’s tantrums are abnormal, and shared her research about whether aggressive tantrums indicate a mental health concern.
The article explains that, “if your child has severe tantrums nearly every day, and those tantrums include kicking, hitting, biting or breaking things, he or she is eight times more likely to have a disorder, according to Dr. Egger’s research.”
All About Toddler Aggression: When to Worry and How to Respond [Blog]
“I’m Worried about My 2-Year-Old’s Tantrums and Sibling Aggression. Any Advice?” [Blog]