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Should Unhappy Parents Stay in a Loveless Marriage for the Child?

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This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to parental separation and divorce. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a mom asking whether unhappy parents should stay together for the child, or to separate. Below is the question, and a response from our child mental health experts:

“Is it better for the parents to stay together, even though the relationship is not good, so that the child has both parents in his life?

There is no yelling, arguing, or open hostility, but the parents are unhappy and distant. Is it more important for a child to have healthy relationship modeling, or access to both parents?

- K., California

Thank you for contacting Little Otter! This is an important question.

The answer to it will largely depend on the individuals involved and the dynamics of the family. What may work for one couple or family may not work for another.

That being said, children are often very good at picking up on what is going on in their immediate environment.

They have good radar for sensing what is genuine and what is fake. So two parents living together unhappily is not ideal. The child will undoubtedly pick up on this energy, which can lead to other issues (e.g., the child could become sad, or wonder if they are doing something wrong).

In general, if the couple can model working on the relationship (through therapy, for instance) and improving it, that is a very important modeling for children and well worth the investment.

In those situations where the couple has tried hard without success at mending the relationship, honesty is the best path forward.

Depending on the age of the child, the couple should have a developmentally appropriate conversation about what is going on and the steps forward. A child needs to be reassured that they are loved, and that they did not do anything wrong. A statement such as, “We won’t live together anymore, but that does not change how much we both love you, and this situation is not because of anything you did” is very important.

Older children will have more questions, and these should be answered using language and concepts they can understand. It may feel more acute and painful for the child initially, but in the long term, seeing that both parents are happy apart rather than unhappy together will provide healthier modeling for the child.

The caveat is that a conflictual divorce is probably even worse than an imperfect marriage.

An amicable relationship between the two parents is ideal and, in many research studies, does not seem to increase the risk of poor psychological outcomes in children; as mentioned before, that is not true if the divorce is conflictual. In situations where communication between the parents is civil, respectful, and kind, children do fine. Parents are still working together to parent, and they are invested in the child’s well-being. And finally, being able to see and spend time with each parent is very important.

We answered other questions from parents like you about the psychological effects of separation on a child, how to help children through a divorce, as well as co-parenting when the child goes back and forth between parents that you might appreciate.

If you’d like additional support for your and your child’s mental health and wellness, Little Otter is also available to support your family.

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