This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to self-harm. Please take care when reading.

One dad wrote in with a worry about his son’s meltdowns. Below is the question, and a response from one of our child mental health experts:

“My 6-year-old son has extreme meltdowns over small things, like us verbally correcting him to not poke a sibling. His brother is 3, and his sister is a newborn. He does fine with just mom, but when I get home from work, his ability to cope seems to plummet.

We don’t spank because we know it will only amplify his emotions and he will be less receptive to any teachable moments. We don’t know how to help him control his emotions. Can you offer any advice?”

- A., Colorado

Thank you so much for reaching out to get help to support your son.

First, it is common for children to behave differently with each parent. It could be that staying home with mom - who  is probably very busy paying attention to his younger siblings, especially his newborn sister - puts him in a situation where he is the “big boy.” He is expected to behave maturely while he is still digesting his growing family, and your appearance at the end of the day coincides with his need for attention. 

The fact is that you are probably tired, like most people are at the end of a long day. This may escalate your son’s efforts to get attention, ANY attention. He is likely hoping you are coming home as a playmate, a supporter, an attention-giver, and someone who will treat him like he is still a little kid.

If this hunch is correct, try the ritual of giving him a 5-minute hug and snuggle as soon as you come home (with agreement from mom, of course). Try to keep his little brother out of the way during this special time. If this is not feasible, at least come home and talk about the ritual as in “I cannot wait until we have our 5-minute snuggle time, it’s going to feel so good to spend some special time together!” 

I also recommend helping him express himself in non-behavioral ways. At his age, reading books together with characters going through similar emotional difficulties as your son would be a good approach.

I really like Munro Leaf’s books such as How to Behave and Why or How to Speak Politely and Why. You can ask questions such as, “I wonder what this little boy was upset about?” or “You know, this little boy has a 3-year-old brother and a little baby sister, too. I wonder if that’s hard for him?” The books also provide examples of more adaptive self-regulation for kids in a comical and entertaining way. 

I also recommend taking our three-question tantrum quiz to learn more information about what his tantrums could be telling you.

Finally, please remember that Little Otter is available with resources including educational materials, parent coaching to support healthy child development, and referrals for clinical care, should this become needed.

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