Should You Ignore a Toddler Temper Tantrum?
Wondering if it’s okay to ignore your toddler’s temper tantrums? This in-depth article is full of guidance from child mental health experts about when and how to ignore a temper tantrum.
It’s a common question: should you be ignoring toddler tantrums, and if so, when?
If you’re currently parenting a toddler, you’ve probably weathered your fair share of the challenging emotional outbursts we refer to as “temper tantrums.”
Tantrums can happen in line at the grocery store, on the way to daycare, at bedtime...really anywhere. But they’re more likely to happen if your child is frustrated, tired, or hungry. This is because temper tantrums are all about feelings; they happen when your child’s emotions overwhelm them and get out of control. (Learn more about why tantrums happen, and what they mean for your child’s mental health.)
Parents often get conflicting, albeit well-meaning, advice about how to handle tantrums. Some people might say, “Just ignore it!” and advise you to walk away so you don’t reinforce problematic behavior with the “reward” of attention. While there is some truth to this, it’s not right in all cases.
We spoke with our team of child mental health experts, including child psychologists and psychiatrists, to get their insight about when and how to “ignore” a toddler temper tantrum.
This article aims to provide more clarity, so you understand when it makes sense to ignore a toddler temper tantrum, and how to go about it.
You’ll learn:
We hope this makes you feel more empowered as you navigate the challenges of temper tantrums, whether you’re considering this strategy, or if you’ve tried it already.
Child mental health experts agree that there’s a big difference between truly ignoring and not actively intervening during a temper tantrum.
Intervening actively during a tantrum would be directly talking to, holding, or otherwise attempting to soothe the child’s emotions or contain their behavior.
“Ignoring” in this case means supervising your child, without actively engaging. It’s a preferred intervention, because it ensures your child’s safety without positively reinforcing their behavior. You’re still keeping an eye on them and even listening to them, while giving the appearance of ignoring them.
“Parents [who aren’t directly intervening] are never actually ignoring a tantrum, because they always make sure the child is safe,” said Dr. Mary Margaret Gleason, Vice Chief of Mental Health at Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughter, and Little Otter Provider Advisor. “In this case, ‘ignoring’ a tantrum means that they avoid giving the child attention during the event.”
“[When a child is having a tantrum] I recommend giving one clear direction about expectations, but never getting extensively verbally or emotionally engaged,” added Dr. Gleason. “Avoid begging, avoid arguing, and avoid trying to use logic to explain to your child why [the tantrum] is a bad idea.”
In the toddler years, your child is still developing their verbal skills. Don’t try reasoning with them or asking them to use their words during a tantrum - at this age, and in this state, they simply can’t!
Again, ignoring isn’t really about being disconnected or emotionally detached from your child. It may look passive, but as all parents and caregivers know, “ignoring” is an active verb.
“When ‘ignoring’ is intentional, specific, and directed, it is an intervention,” said Dr. David Hong, Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Stanford University Medical Center and Little Otter Advisor.
While there’s no “one size fits all” answer for dealing with temper tantrums, you typically have three pathways available to you when responding to a temper tantrum:
Redirect attention.
De-dramatize the situation.
Distract.
Ignoring a temper tantrum - again, this really means “not directly intervening in the tantrum” - can help to redirect attention and de-dramatize the situation.
In addition, toddlers are very sensitive to reinforcement. If their tantrums successfully divert plans, the behavior is reinforced. That’s another reason why tantrums are so important in the toddler years. Ignoring the tantrum can make it possible for you to continue doing what you need to do for your family, even during the meltdown.
You can (and should) keep an eye on your child when emotions are running high so that you can monitor their behavior and ensure their safety. But you can do so without engaging with them directly.
This approach of “ignoring” a temper tantrum can take many forms:
Averting your eyes.
Turning your back.
Moving away from the situation, while staying close.
Redirecting with a specific request, without getting too engaged.
Keep in mind that toddlers are sensitive to shame, which can create a vicious cycle: the tantrum starts for one reason, then becomes complicated (and often escalated) by shame.
That’s why it’s so important to ignore your child in a gentle way. Avoid saying things like “let me know when you’re done” in an exasperated way, which can be humiliating. It’s also essential to keep your cool. When you become overly distressed, it can reinforce the tantrum.
Instead, you might say something like, “You’re upset, and it doesn’t feel good at all! I understand. But it’s important for us to do this to take care of our bodies. I’m going to keep doing this. Let me know when you’re ready to help.” This is just an example; modify the pairing of 1. acknowledging their feelings, while 2. holding your limit, and 3. not giving attention to the behavior in a way that works for you.
Interested in learning more strategies for dealing with tantrums? This blog helps you reframe your approach, and provides guidance for how to respond. Learn how to deal with tantrums.
Redirecting can be especially powerful for younger kids because it helps the parent take the focus away from the inappropriate behavior and turn everyone's attention to something else. It also keeps you from falling into the trap of trying to reason with your child when they’re not in an emotional state to be able to understand or respond constructively.
Redirections work best when the “ignoring” or selective attention is coupled with positive attention, praise, and reinforcement.
For example, if your child is having a tantrum because they don’t want to leave the playground, you can redirect them by calmly reminding them that there’s a snack waiting for them at home.
Instead of thinking about it like “ignoring a tantrum,” it may be helpful to reframe it as “giving your attention selectively,” advised Dr. Elizabeth Reichert, Director of the Pediatric Anxiety and Traumatic Stress Clinic at Stanford University School of Medicine and Little Otter Provider Advisor.
When we “ignore” tantrums, we’re trying not to reinforce the behavior we see during tantrums, like whining, begging, crying, lying on the floor, grabbing toys, or using an outside voice. However, there are behaviors that it makes sense to positively reinforce, even during a tantrum!
Parents might consider giving attention to positive and prosocial behaviors, such as when a child remains calm in their body, language, and words, explained Dr. Reichert.
“Ignoring or selective attention must be coupled with positive attention, praise, and reinforcement,” Dr. Reichert said. “If a child is tantruming and yet also trying to use their words to communicate they are upset, we can praise them for using their words and ignore everything else they are doing. Or, once the child begins to calm down, be ready to start praising and reinforcing their emotion regulation skills right away.”
This positive reinforcement can help your child continue developing those healthy, positive, resilient behaviors that they’ll need to be well-adjusted to adult life. Young children will adapt to you if you reassure them verbally and behaviorally.
Don’t ignore your child if a tantrum ever turns violent, or if there’s a risk of harm to the child, another person, or property. In these situations, it’s critical to actively intervene. Safety always comes first.
Examples of harmful behaviors that should prompt an active intervention include, but aren’t limited to:
Picking up something fragile or valuable
Running out of the home, or towards streets
Hitting, biting, kicking, or otherwise attempting to harm others or damage objects
Attempting to harm oneself, like banging their head against a wall
Using threatening gestures or body language that might impact the safety of parents, siblings, or others
It’s important to pay attention to violent, destructive and/or aggressive temper tantrums that are prolonged, happen frequently, and continue beyond the toddler years, because they could signal an underlying mental health concern. (Read more about tantrums and your child’s mental health here.)
As challenging as they may be, temper tantrums are common and to be expected as toddlers develop.
Tantrums are likely to be considered “developmentally typical” by health professionals if they’re brief, don’t occur every day, aren’t unsafe, are clearly triggered by frustrating events, and tend to be worse when the child is tired or hungry.
So how do you tell the difference between an intense but “typical” tantrum and when something more serious could be going on? Like most topics related to childhood development, there are no easy answers and every child and family is unique.
Doctors recommend to take note of tantrums that:
Occur nearly every day.
Start or become aggressive. (When a child hits, kicks, bites others and/or themselves, hurts others and/or themselves, and/or breaks things during the tantrum.)
Are prolonged (lasting 20 minutes or more).
Continue frequently past the peak age (2-3 years old).
Happen in a variety of settings, both in and out of the home.
Occur with parents or caregivers AND other adults.
Even if your child’s tantrums don’t fall into the “atypical” category based on the factors above, they may still impair or otherwise negatively impact your child or family’s functioning. As a parent or caregiver, you know your family best. So as you consider your child’s tantrums, also think about the effect they have on your family. If that’s the case, it may be time to explore outside help from a mental health professional.
The good news is that most of the time, as children get older, temper tantrums become less frequent and less intense.
As children grow, they become more able to verbalize their feelings and self-regulate in times of frustration or discomfort. But in the meantime, you might be wondering how best to respond to your toddler’s tantrums or if they’re severe enough to perhaps warrant outside help.
If you’re concerned about your child’s tantrums, consider taking a few moments to complete the free, online Little Otter Tantrum Assessment. While it’s not a replacement for a professional evaluation, this tool can help you better understand your child’s behavior and provide some guidance as to whether it might be time to seek additional support.
Wondering whether to worry about your child’s temper tantrums? Start the free, three-question temper tantrum assessment and get guidance here.
No matter what, remember that if you’re feeling frustrated by your child’s tantrums, you don’t have to face them alone! Our team is here to empower you as you navigate all ups and downs of the toddler years. Learn more and join Little Otter today.
Additional Resources
If you have specific questions about your child’s tantrums, you can also ask our team of child mental health professionals for free here. (Explore previously answered questions here.)