My 13-Year-Old Feels Like He’s Disappointing Everyone. How Can I Support Him?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with issues related to depression, anxiety, and suicide. Please take care when reading.
Families around the country are deeply impacted by the COVID-19 in ways large and small. This pandemic presents unique challenges for teenagers, as this question illustrates:
"My son is 13 years old and just broke down! He said that he feels that he is disappointing everyone. He feels like no one cares or loves him. That it would be better if he was not here. How do I make him feel loved and that I’m proud of him? How do I reduce the pressure of school online?"
- J., Illinois
I'm sorry to hear about you son and the pressure he's under. Reading your question, it seems apparent that your son is emotionally overwhelmed.
The COVID-19 crisis is impacting all of us, but it's challenging for teens in particular.
Stuck at home and separated from their friends, unable to participate in regular school and social activities, teens can have a hard time and be at increased risk for depression. It's important that you're listening to your son, and you're right to be concerned when he says “no one cares or loves him.”
His comment, “It would be better if [I] were not here” is particularly concerning.
Emotional distress like sadness, irritability, and negative thoughts are normal and increase during a crisis like the COVID-19 pandemic. If they are lasting a long time (i.e. throughout the day and for more than two weeks), your child might be depressed.
I'm not sure what your comfort level is with seeking therapeutic support, but it sounds like your son could benefit from talking to someone about the things he is feeling and experiencing.
Through therapy and/or coaching, he could also benefit from learning coping skills as they relate to managing his negative feelings and his overwhelm with school.
When kids are depressed, they may be sad, irritable, or no longer enjoy things they enjoyed in the past. They can also have negative thoughts like the ones your son is having. Additionally, they may have problems sleeping (e.g. difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, sleeping too much), changes in appetite, loss of energy, loss of interest in activities and people, and lack of motivation. Depressed people can also have suicidal thoughts, from the idea that the world would be better if they were gone, to actually planning how they would take their lives.
I know that this is hard to think about, but if you're concerned that your son is having persistent thoughts about it being “better if he weren’t here,” we urge you to seek professional support. The good news is that we have very good treatments to help kids who suffer from depression.
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