Little Otter

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How Can I Talk to My Younger Sister about Parent’s Divorce?

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This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to separation and divorce. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a sister asking how to talk with her younger sibling about parents’ recent separation. Below is the question, and a response from our child mental health experts:

“Hi! This isn’t about me exactly. My little sister is barely 6 years old, and my mother and her father (we have different fathers) have recently split, with the father moving out soon.

I live here with them; and I am wondering what is a good conversation to have with my little sister in regards to this?

I want to support her through anything she might be feeling, especially as our parents have been antagonistic to each other. I don’t want this to affect her negatively going forward; or how to help her if it does.

My family is not good at open honest communication, and it shows. Now that I am grown (22), I want to change that, especially since my sister is so much younger. Any advice?”

- K., New Jersey

Thank you for reaching out to Little Otter. I am sorry to hear about the situation with your younger sister, and I am glad to know that she has you in her life.

Separation and divorce are very difficult for children. It will be important for you to help your sister know that she is loved, and even if both parents are not present, they still love and think about her.

It is also good if you can help her understand that the separation has nothing to do with her; she did not do anything wrong or bad. Young children have the tendency to believe that something they did or said led to the separation.

It might also be nice to get a couple of books that you can read with her. I recommend The Invisible String by Patrice Karst (Amazon), or Standing on my Own Two Feet: A Child’s Affirmation of Love in the Midst of Divorce by Tamara Schmitz (Amazon).

I also noted that you stated that things are not amicable between your mom and your sister’s father. Research shows that divorce is especially hard on children when there is a strained and tense relationship in combination with separation. While this is something that you have little control over, I think it is important that you understand that when parents talk poorly about one another or make snippy, negative comments, these are not helpful to children. Depending on your relationships with your mother, you may feel it appropriate to mention that to her.

Finally, remember that your sister is six. Any conversation that you have with her about the separation should be done in language that is developmentally appropriate.

You can create space for her to ask questions or to talk about anything that might be hard for her, without providing specific details that an adult might want to know. It can help to use less direct ways to talk to her (i.e., “Your teddy bear looks sad! What is going on?”) These indirect entry points into discussion can be very helpful. You could even say, "I'm wondering if the bear's mom and dad are fighting?"

Take care and best of luck with your little sister. She is lucky to have your care in her life.

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