How to Talk to Kids About Cancer
Cancer. Six little letters make one big word that can loom so large. If your family is navigating a cancer diagnosis, know that you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. This experience can be very stressful, and finding that right way to talk about cancer can add to that stress - especially when children are involved.
In this article, we’ll share age-appropriate advice for how to talk to kids about cancer.
Know that your efforts to have these conversations, while difficult, is incredibly valuable for the children in your life.
Previous research shows that children whose parents have cancer experience higher stress, anxiety, and psychosocial problems than children who don’t (McDonald et al., 2016; Hauken et al., 2018). Having age-appropriate conversations, and normalizing children’s feelings are great ways to reduce the likelihood these problems may occur.
This article takes the perspective that the person speaking to the child is the person who has cancer, but know that these tips can be modified for a variety of situations.
We hope these expert recommendations and resources from our clinical team help you communicate with children, even during the toughest of times. We also created a free download with these tips for talking to children about cancer that you can share with friends, family, school, and your community.
First, we’ll share four guidelines for talking to children about cancer, and then we’ll offer actual examples of age-appropriate things to say.
4 Best Practices for Talking to Children about Cancer
Here are four simple, high-level guidelines for how to talk to kids about cancer:
Give clear, developmentally-appropriate information. Children need honest, age-appropriate conversations. They may benefit from clear and direct information, including using medical terminology, to help them understand.
Use stories to help you explain. Familiar story-telling tools, like books and stuffed animals, can help children express their feelings and understand concepts that can be abstract.
Be ready for questions, and answer honestly. It’s expected for children to have questions about cancer. When those arise, be prepared to answer honestly and avoid providing false reassurance.
Manage your own distress and consider seeking additional support. While it’s healthy for children to see your emotions, if your distress is becoming overwhelming, it may be helpful to seek additional support.
We provide a lot more detail around these four guidelines in this blog, created in collaboration with Haley Pollack, cancer survivor, mom, and Co-Founder and Executive Director of Bright Spot Network.
Expert Tips for Having Age-Appropriate Conversations with Children about Cancer
As you can see, it’s really important to have age- and developmentally appropriate conversations with children about cancer. Here are tips for how to talk to young children, pre-teens, and adolescents about cancer.
How to Talk to Children 2-5 Years Old about Cancer
Here are a few things you can say to your young one:
“I’m sick and I’m going to the doctor to get help.”
You can mention that you are going to take medicine, undergo procedures, or have surgery. Be creative in using accurate but kid-friendly terms that help your child understand (e.g., “The doctor is going to try to take the cancer out of my body” or “I’m going to get some needle pokes to help me feel better”).
“My sickness is called ____. it’s different from when you, your friends, or your [other caregivers] get sick. You can’t get sick from me.”
Kids are likely to hear the name of your diagnosis at some point, so it can be helpful to let them hear it from you first.
Helping kids to understand that your illness is not a run-of-the-mill cold/flu and that it is not contagious begins to tell the story of how your illness will impact them.
Let your child know if there are expected treatment side effects, especially if you might feel worse before you feel better (e.g., in the case of chemotherapy).
“I’m going to do my best to get better,” or “I’m going to work really hard to keep being the best [caregiver] to you.”
It’s important to communicate hope to kids. At the same time, the truth is important. Avoid promising you will get better, if you are unsure what the outcome will be.
“I might not feel like playing sometimes, but we can read books [or do some other activity] instead.”
Setting expectations can help reduce how scary it can be for kids to see that their caregiver is feeling unwell. Offering other activities also provides comfort and promotes continued connection throughout your illness.
“You can help me by giving me hugs and bringing me water.”
In a time when your child and family may be feeling helpless, giving your child a job in supporting you can be encouraging and offer an opportunity to stay connected.
Children in this age group may also benefit from play and stories related to caregiver illness and medical treatment.
How to Talk to Children 6-11 Years Old about Cancer
Here are a few tips for talking with your children:
Continue to use more medical terms.
Be ready for even more questions.
Some questions may be surprising or difficult to answer. If that is the case, thank your child for asking and let them know that you need to think about your answer or that you aren’t sure. Reassure them that you will provide an answer as soon as you can.
Ask about any feelings your child may be experiencing and begin to address their concerns, while maintaining honesty.
E.g., plan/create special rituals, if your child is worried you won’t be able to spend as much time with them; reassure your child that they can continue their usual activities with support from family and friends
Children in this age group may experience feelings of embarrassment around a caregiver’s illness, as they are sensitive to being different from peers.
Try not to take this personally. At this age, it is typical for kids to be focused on their own experience. Empathize and gently share how you are feeling.
Talk about how you can help them to feel better, without compromising your own health or comfort (e.g., wearing a scarf to conceal hair loss when you pick them up from school).
At this age, children may also be more worried about death because they better understand its permanence.
Even if your illness is not terminal, it may be helpful to check in about whether this is a worry for your child. This can open up other important conversations about death and grief.
How to Talk to Children 12-14 Years Old about Cancer
At this age, children need an environment where they feel comfortable sharing their feelings and have their feelings normalized. Here are a few tips for helping your child feel understood and enabling more advanced conversations.
Your pre-teen or teen may be able to give input about their preferences in communicating about your illness.
For example, they might prefer to talk about it often or only at predetermined times. You can ask if they have any thoughts or preferences.
Older kids might have questions about the deeper meaning behind illness (e.g., “why do people get sick, why you?”).
Explore what their thoughts are, and offer your own honest thoughts.
As your child nears their adolescent years, peers are becoming even more important.
You may want to talk with your child about balancing time with you and time with friends.
Older kids may want to help out in more concrete ways.
Have a conversation about how they might want to contribute and what you would find most helpful. They may also be interested in helping on a larger scale (e.g., fundraising for an organization that supports research related to your illness).
Include your child’s school.
Informing teachers and other school staff about your illness can help them to best support your child and keep an eye out for any changes in their mood or behavior.
Lean on family and friends to fill the gaps, both in terms of helping with tasks and providing the emotional support your family needs.
Consider seeking mental health services for your child and family.
Therapy is a great place for children to be able to share their worries, fears, and sadness in an accepting and validating environment. At Little Otter, we offer therapeutic services for children ages 0-14 and their families.
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