How Can I Handle My 2-Year-Old’s Meltdowns?
This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with worries related to toddler tantrums, aggression, and sibling challenges. Please take care when reading.
One parent recently wrote in with concerns about their 2 year old’s tantrums and meltdowns. Here is their question, and an answer from our team of child mental health experts.
“I’m worried about my 2 year old’s tantrums. We've been watching his meltdowns the past year, and they improved but now seem worse. He’s almost three, and constantly moody. The tantrums now are numerous times a day, and now sometimes he wakes up into a tantrum.
He has angry outbursts almost every time we ask him to do something. He screams ‘No!’ and may throw toys or even hit if he is really upset. Every diaper change is a meltdown. He also always pushes affection away and seems to get angry when I say ‘I love you’ or ‘Can I have a hug.’ Just now, after talking about our doctor appointment to see how we can help him feel better, he had one where he said ‘I no feel good. I wanna go to doctor.’
We just had our second child 9 months ago. This may have triggered worsening behavior, but I feel something else is going on. He is irritable. He has a history of very low iron that we can't get up, so we are checking this again to see if it is a contributing factor.
Our home environment is quiet, fun and loving. We don't raise our voice or use physical force for anything. We are gentle and patient. We are his sole caregivers.
I find it very distressing and feel desperate to help him feel better. I'm concerned for his mental health. I want to know the underlying problem and how we can treat it. What can we do?”
- S., United States
Thank you for contacting Little Otter.
When we see physical health issues with children, this can absolutely cause changes in behavior.
My first recommendation is to follow through with your primary care physician about his iron.
Second, young children often feel intense emotions that they are not yet able to manage specifically when big changes like having a new sibling occur.
At his age, communication and self-regulation are still emerging skills, it is typical to see challenging behaviors when there is a combination of physiological and environment changes.
That said, tantrums that occur nearly every day and are aggressive may be described as a “mental health fever.” Like a fever when kids are physically ill, these “mental health fevers” are a sign that tells us that the child is distressed and may be experiencing an emotional or behavioral challenge. We may not know what’s causing this mental health fever, so we need to know more to be able to help the child and their family. We released an online temper tantrum assessment for children 2-6 that may provide more insight about if and when it’s time to worry. Start the three-question assessment here.
To help your son feel more secure and to reduce difficult behaviors, try the following tips:
Give your son choices whenever possible, especially when giving instructions. This will give her a sense of agency and independence, but will provide you ultimate control.
Catch your son being good, and deliver high praise for any desired behavior, such as using his words. You want him to learn he gets more attention when behaving appropriately as opposed to throwing a tantrum.
Give as little attention as possible to his difficult behavior (no comments, reprimands, or prolonged eye contact). Do your best to redirect to another activity.
Give your son language for his emotions as you see him feeling them especially when you can identify a cause. You can say things like, "It looks like you are upset that you can not keep playing." You can then follow this up with choices and giving minimal attention as previously stated.
What we know is that children aged 2 and 3 year old have twice as many tantrums as 4 to 5 year olds. As kids grow, they get better at managing their negative emotions and behaviors.
If you would like more guidance around how to support your son, Little Otter is always available for consultation and services as needed.