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Help! My 4-Year-Old Tantrums When Told “No”

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This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to temper tantrums. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a mom whose 4-year-old tantrums when told “no.” Below is the question, and a response from our child mental health experts:

“My 4-year-old daughter has very little capability to deal with hearing “No”. Every time I say “no” to something - and it’s mostly about screen time - she screams in my face and sobs.

She gets so cross and has now tried to lash out by hitting me. The most recent tantrum included her throwing her brother’s sippy cup at my head while we were in the car.

We moved countries 9 months ago, so I know she’s had a lot of change, but it seems to be quite a delayed response if that’s the cause.

I’m at the end of my tether as she doesn’t do this for her dad, mostly me. I have tried so hard to be non-reactive and just stay calm and consistent but nothing seems to work! I am anxious to pick her up from school because I can’t deal with another afternoon of being screamed at! Please help!”

- S., Tennessee

Thank you for asking your question to Little Otter. Temper tantrums are one of the most common concerns for parents of young children.

Your daughter’s behavior could be a delayed reaction to your move. Nine months is more than enough time for the cumulative effect of:

  • Missing family members from her previous country;

  • Missing friends;

  • Dealing with immigration during a pandemic with restrictions that do not facilitate adaptation;

  • Absorbing parental stress related to the transition in the midst of a pandemic.

There are things you could try to limit the outbursts:

  • Give consistent limits and warnings related to screen time. E.g., “You have four more minutes of screen time, or less if you prefer.” (Another parent also asked about their 4-year-old’s TV tantrums; you may find helpful screen time-specific tantrum tips there as well.)

  • When she is not in a tantrum, explain that you love her and understand her big feelings, but throwing things and hurting people is different. Big feelings are always okay, but big hurtful behaviors are not.

  • Tell her you want her to practice expressing her feelings with words. You might model, “Big feelings can be scary. Good kids have big feelings too, and if you want, I can help you name your big feelings.”

  • Help her learn how to say “no.” Saying no is a way of asserting oneself in out-of-control situations. Maybe model her saying: "No, I really don't like it when you tell me to stop something I enjoy. It makes me mad." To which you can answer: "Yes, that makes sense, I don't like it when people tell me to stop doing something I enjoy, but I feel better when I have choices like stopping in three or four minutes.”

If you feel like your daughter’s tantrums are severe, Little Otter offers a free temper tantrum assessment for children aged 2-6.

If you’re worried that there might be more going on (perhaps ADHD affecting her emotional impulsivity, or Autism affecting her emotional flexibility), I recommend you talk to her primary care provider for a screening.

We hope this helps and have a great day!

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