This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. Please take care when reading.

Many families face challenges when trying to get their little ones to sleep. One parent submitted the following question to our team of child mental health experts, wondering whether to worry about their 3-year-old daughter’s bedtime tantrums:

“My 3-year-old has been fighting us at bed time for months! She used to tell us before bedtime that she was ready, and would walk herself to her room.

Now it’s a 2-hour fiasco of screaming, crying, getting in and out of bed, occasionally slamming her door, throwing things at said door if she’s closed it. Even when she yawns and is clearly exhausted, the nightly battle still lasts an hour or two. I’m growing concerned because it’s been months with little to no relief.

Our bedtime routine has been the same for months, as we do have both an older and younger child. We’ve tried to let her stay up quietly without the light, but it hasn’t helped. She still occasionally naps but we haven’t seen a difference between ‘nap days’ and ‘no-nap days’ at bed time. Any advice?”

- K., California

Thank you for reaching out.

You are right; sometimes as preschoolers develop, their need for sleep at night changes, and it's good that you have observed that there is no difference between nap days and no nap days. Sometimes the transition from naps to no naps is challenging, so I would also be on the lookout for what your daughter’s typical nap looks like: brief or long, resisted or not, etc.

Another thing that happens at age three is rapid developmental change, and some children go through a more intensive phase of anxiety.

Anxiety can be related to becoming an older child, who both loves and hates being less dependent on her parents. This can manifest as fluctuations that range from rejecting your help or company, to seeking closeness and proximity, including at night, to new fears as her imagination develops. She might report new monsters in her closet, or when she is in her bed at night alone in her room, her imagination might conjure up other scary things.

There are many books that could support you as you show your daughter that you understand what she is going through. Examples include The Rabbit Who Wants to Fall Asleep and The Little Elephant Who Wants to Fall Asleep by Carl-Johan Forssen Ehrlin.

You could also have a warm conversation with her, where you explain that when you were three years old, you were scared at night sometimes, too. Observe how she responds, and help her to articulate her reaction.

In general, spells of difficult sleep respond well to a mixture of empathy and gentle firmness regarding the plan.

If it is established that she has fears, do the reassuring at bedtime but not during the night. During the night, she goes back to bed to cry it out. It could take several days or more, but it should resolve with this approach.

Please keep in mind that Little Otter has many resources to support the healthy development of children including referrals to high quality clinical services as needed.

I hope your little one sleeps better soon.

Additional Resources

• The Rabbit Who Wants to Fall Asleep on Amazon

• The Little Elephant Who Wants to Fall Asleep on Amazon

• “My 5-Year-Old Has Trouble Sleeping. Should I Worry?” [Blog]

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