This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. This post deals with topics related to tantrums and parental sepatarion. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a parent asking for support in dealing with their two-year-old’s daily tantrums. Below is the question, and a response from our child mental health experts:

“My 2-year-old has tantrums everyday. He won’t listen, either. I don’t know how to handle this. My partner and I are separating, but I’m not sure whether that is relevant, or why my son is acting this way. What can I do?”

- F., California

Thank you for contacting Little Otter.

Young children often feel intense emotions that they are not yet able to manage.

Because communication and self-regulation are still emerging skills, it is typical to see challenging or defiant behaviors (like temper tantrums) when something distressing is happening in a child's life. Relationship disruption is particularly stressful for young children and it may be that your son is experiencing anxiety related to the separation (or other issues). 

To help your son feel more secure during this period of change in his life and to reduce difficult behaviors, try the following tips:

1. Avoid arguing or engaging in stressful interactions with your partner in front of your son.

2. If your son has a relationship with your partner and it is possible/appropriate, make a plan with your partner about how the separation will go including when your son will visit with your partner and how you will explain related changes.

3. Try to maintain a consistent home routine as this can create a sense of security. Work with your partner to ensure that your son's routine is similar when spending time with each of you. For a child his age, it may help to use a schedule with pictures and brief him ahead of time when the daily routine will be different.

4. Give your son choices whenever possible, especially when giving instructions. This will give him a sense of agency and independence, but will provide you ultimate control.

5. Catch your son being good, and deliver high praise for any desired behavior, such as using his words. You want him to learn he gets more attention when behaving appropriately as opposed to throwing a tantrum.

6. Give as little attention as possible to his difficult behavior (no comments, reprimands, or prolonged eye contact). Do your best to redirect him to another activity.

If you would like more guidance around how to support your son, Little Otter is always available for consultation and services as needed. Register here or contact us via email.

Additional Resources

• Free Temper Tantrum Assessment: Learn When to Worry about Your Child’s Temper Tantrums

• Temper Tantrums & Your Child’s Mental Health [Blog]

• All About Toddler Aggression: When to Worry and How to Respond [Blog]

• Should You Ignore a Temper Tantrum? [Blog]

• “Should I Worry About My Toddler’s Temper Tantrums?” [Blog]

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