This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. It deals with subjects related to tantrums and aggression. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a parent wondering whether their toddler’s tantrums and aggressive behavior toward his siblings. Below is the question, and a response from our team of child mental and behavioral health professionals:

“I’m worried about my 2-year-old’s tantrums. He will hit, throw things, and spit when having a tantrum. I’m concerned his behavior is outside of the typical range.

He is also quite aggressive with his little sister. He hits her at times that appear to be random and he hits her for access to things he wants. He also hits and hurts his 6-year-old brother frequently. He can be very sweet and loving but seems to just ‘snap’ at times.

He can also be a little shy, and seems to want to be at home a lot for a 2-year-old. For example, he’ll actually have a tantrum because he wants to leave the park, which doesn’t seem typical. Do you have any advice?”

- A., California

Thank you for reaching out!

Generally, tantrums have a wide range of manifestations in children around the age of two.

From what you describe, it is very possible that your son becomes overwhelmed in ways that are not necessarily clear at this point (e.g., wanting to leave the park). Like adults, children vary widely regarding introversion and extroversion, and he may be begging to return to his safe, comfortable, familiar environment to reset after too much stimulation.

Your son could simply be sensitive, which is both a strength and a potential source of struggle. What this may also mean is that he is affected by things that are not easily apparent to others (e.g., how he perceives he is being treated by his big brother).

Hitting and aggression are often at a peak when a child has not yet learned to systematically use words to communicate needs or frustrations. They feel irritability, anger, aggression and then shame. The resulting behavior suggests that all is falling apart.

If your son commands language pretty well, you can try to debrief him, once he is not tantruming, by telling him a story of a little boy with a name similar to his who sometimes gets sad and upset and hits, spits and kicks. Go with his reactions. Does he pay attention? Does he like the story? Does he offer his own details? You can even suggest that he gets sadder and more upset when he kicks, spits etc. Then suggest that the mom of this little boy told him that if he is upset he can try to use words like: “I don’t like this!” or “I’m upset” and then his mom can help him by hugging him so he feels better.

Keep observing how he responds to the story.

If he is attentive, holding you, etc., tell him that the mom of that little boy also said that when he could not remember to use his words, she would help him learn to calm down by sitting in a chair. There should be a non-punitive, pleasant, little chair where he can sit to calm down. I would call it the calm down chair and use the general one minute per year of age guideline.

It is very important that you, and others around him, remain calm and composed when he loses his temper to model the regulation of emotions.

Please remember that Little Otter is available if you need more resources. Little Otter has many offerings including parent coaching to support healthy development, and referrals to clinical services, as needed.

Additional Resources

• Free Temper Tantrum Assessment: Learn When to Worry about Your Child’s Temper Tantrums

• All About Toddler Aggression: When to Worry and How to Respond

• Should You Ignore a Temper Tantrum?

• “Should I Worry About My Toddler’s Temper Tantrums?”

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