This post is part of a series where our team of child mental health professionals answer real questions submitted by readers like you. It deals with subjects related to tantrums. Please take care when reading.

We recently received a question from a parent wondering whether their toddler’s sleep tantrums. Below is the question, and a response from our team of child mental and behavioral health professionals:

“I have a 2-year-old daughter, and she had a hard time with tantrums. They are of all kinds, but especially around naptime or bedtime, when she wants to play and be active. These tantrums continue for over an hour of being very upset almost every night, sometimes to the point where she almost throws up because of being so mad. They are uncontrollable.

I’m not sure what to do. Is there anything I can do to help soothe her, and help her go to bed without us having to wait? She also wants to sleep in our bed and be close all the time. She doesn’t seem to be able to soothe herself back to sleep.

How do I help her with her tantrums, and help her calm down when she’s upset? “

- D., California

Thank you for contacting us!

Your daughter is at an age where communicating anxiety, fatigue, frustration, fear and over-excitement through tantrums is not abnormal.

In general, the key idea is to recognize that even though they are hard to tolerate for parents, children engage in tantrums to communicate that they are overwhelmed and cannot express their thoughts or feelings well.

Toddlers are also very sensitive to shame, and this can create a vicious cycle where the tantrum starts for one reason, and then gets complicated by shame. Toddlers are also very sensitive to reinforcement, so if tantrums can divert plans, they are easily reinforced. This is why tantrums are so common in early childhood, especially during the toddler years.

To avoid shame, think about whether your daughter responds to distraction, redirection, or de-dramatization.

Keep an eye on her while she tantrums, ignoring her tantrum in a gentle way - not a “let me know when you are done” exasperated way, which is humiliating, or an overly distressed way, which is also reinforcing.

I would also try to give voice to her feelings; consider reading the book “Your Own Big Bed” by Rita Bergstein, which will help normalize her fears and validate her feelings. Also, avoid waiting for her to go to bed: create a soothing bedtime routine, that is not punitive, where you are calm.

This can be tricky if you anticipate her tantrums, but remember she is only two, and she will adapt if you reassure her verbally and behaviorally.

Please remember that Little Otter is available with resources including, parent coaching to help support healthy child development, and clinical referrals to therapeutic services, as needed.

Additional Resources

• Free Temper Tantrum Assessment: Learn When to Worry about Your Child’s Temper Tantrums

• All About Toddler Aggression: When to Worry and How to Respond

• Should You Ignore a Temper Tantrum?

• “Should I Worry About My Toddler’s Temper Tantrums?”

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